I’m having an “I feel ginormous day”. Today I feel like humpty dumpty… waddle, waddle… and I’m doing everything I can not to “fall off the wall” and right back into a diet. I’m fighting diet thoughts BIG TIME. I even thought about stepping on the scale – which hasn’t crossed my mind lately. Part of me wants to see the number in the hopes that it’s not as bad as I fear it is. Either way though, if it’s not as bad as I fear… I’ll still be angry with the number. And if it is as bad as I think… oh Lord, have mercy.
I’m trying to tell myself to “stay calm!” I just want something positive about this process to pop into my head right now. I think, “well, isn’t it nice to eat what you want?” And then I yell, “NO!”
I had an allergic reaction last night to something I ate. I don’t know what I reacted to, and now I can’t eat anything I had last night until I figure out which item was the offender. Maybe the allergic reaction is what’s setting off this panic feeling. Maybe that’s what has me questioning everything.
My PJ pants are tighter and I want to have a mini temper tantrum in the middle of the floor.
Then I go to the coffee maker and the Husband has left a note beside it saying, “it’s not working again.” NOOOOOOOOOO! Seemingly small, but wouldn’t you know the thought, “well, you shouldn’t be drinking coffee anyway” pops into my head. Seriously, could the diet police just shut up for a moment. This is why we need to tell our kids, “Oh be careful little eyes what you read.” Every diet book, blog, article I’ve ever read is flooding my mind at the moment.
But I can’t stay calm because negative thoughts are pelting me. I feel like I’m in the middle of a storm. I’m getting tossed about the boat like a rag doll. I picture Truman trying to escape the dome of his fake life. The show’s director says, “what actually disturbs you the most is that Truman actually prefers his cell.” Do I actually prefer being a slave to diet mentality? Do I want to live the rest of my life chasing something so fleeting as a number on the scale? NO!
And then I’m reminded of another storm. The passengers in the boat are frightened. They are at the mercy of the waves overtaking them. They are powerless. Their doom is imminent… unless…
The disciples went and woke him [Jesus], saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. (Luke 8:24)
Oh Lord, rebuke the storm that rages in my mind. Draw back the waves of discontent, distrust, and disbelief. Calm my spirit. (Psalm 42)