thin within: can’t want to

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Well, it’s Saturday and today I just “can’t want to”. My oldest daughter used to say if we asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. She was three at the time. Of course, we didn’t let her off the hook.

But here I am, at forty, pouting and saying, “I can’t want to”.

I would love to report that I overcame this feeling, but I didn’t. I sat down with the study for a few minutes but my heart just wasn’t in it. I couldn’t make myself focus. I prayed, but to be honest, I just think I was feeling particularly rebellious. Then all the justification poured in.

“What’s the big deal if you miss one day?”

“You deserve a break, this is hard work.”

“Come on, you’re just being legalistic and a slave to rules if you make yourself do this.” (um, that one was really cleverly cunning)

So, I took the day off. I put the book away and moved on with my day (which was busy). I even spent about an hour reading about why the Weight Watchers CEO decided to change the plan back in 2010… still think it was rather stupid. I think I was trying to find an excuse to go back to Weight Watchers, but I know in my heart that the new program doesn’t work for me. I know where I’ll end up as I’ve tried it numerous times since the end of 2010. Everytime I end up hacked that I’m spending so much time tracking every blasted bite I eat only to stay the same weight. I didn’t rejoin weight watchers but I sure thought about it. Reading the article did help because I didn’t agree with the reasons for the changes and it revealed exactly why I already knew it didn’t work for me.

I guess I could (probably should) be upset with myself for blowing my boundaries today, but right now I just don’t care. Oh sure, I could say, “God’s grace is sufficient” and it is… but this isn’t about that. This is purely… “I can’t want to… and so I just won’t”.

Hopefully tomorrow will be different.

*Remember, these posts are not “in real time”. The actual date of this post is May 2. So, if you run into me and think “my she looks rather in a good mood for having such a stinky attitude”… this day is already in the past for me. Of course, it could also mean I’m slapping on a smile to hide the frustration lol.

thin within: day twenty-two

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Today’s lesson begins with “be on your guard”. I probably should have taken those four simple words more to heart.

I am definitely under attack and I’ll be quite honest, I rather muddled through today’s lesson. While a good one, I can tell my dedication is waning because all I can think about today is my size. Yes, this is obviously going to be an ongoing battle.

Day Twenty-Two

When the author makes statements like “the temple is nearing completion” a part of me cringes. I certainly don’t feel like I’m anywhere near completed. I suppose though, I am thinking about what I see on the outside and she is talking about the construction we’re doing on the inside.

While the message today was really what I needed, it definitely didn’t stick with me. I have felt a twinge of discontentment and frustration creeping back in. I think, even though I don’t want to, I’m letting the “sofa eating” really get to me. I feel like I’m failing over and over… which of course the enemy seems to thrive on. I feel a binge coming on. My hormones still have not fully recovered from time change, so that is yet another source of frustration.

Steps to Strengthening Your Belief System

Clearly this was exactly what I needed to focus on… but I didn’t. The author takes us through the first 5 steps in Dr. Stanley’s list. These are 10, very powerful steps… but alas, my heart was hard. I half-heartedly went through the exercises before leaving for the grocery stores. Huge mistake. I should have been diligent because these first five steps probably would have been the perfect reminder to operate in GOD’s strength and not my own.

Yeah, hindsight is 20/20.

Gratitude List

What am I grateful for? Um, it’s Friday and I’m just ready to relax.

thin within: day twenty-one

thinwithinStill in pain, but we press on. This morning the husband and I went for a walk. That was nice. I’m not too sore from yesterday’s jogging so that’s good. My knee was a bit swollen though.

So, we’re on the final third of the book. Goodness, the time has flown. Let’s get to it.

Day Twenty-One

I decided to change my color scheme for this last section to purple and blue. Blue, of course, is my favorite color, but purple reminds me of royalty and since I’m trying to think like a princess child of God… I thought it was appropriate.

So, in previewing this lesson, I knew it was going to be one I wasn’t in the mood for. Stress is rather high right now as we try to wrap up the end of our school year. In a couple of weeks I’ll likely feel like a new woman, but right now, this is definitely a more difficult time to focus on this stuff.

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. ~ Malachi 4:2

Um, yeah, I’d like to do some leaping. I actually picture my dog trying so hard to wait patiently for us to open the gate to the dog park. He’s sitting, but squirming and whining. He looks up at us like, “Now, can I go now.” But we make him wait. Just when he thinks we’re not going to open the gate, we do. The moment that chain clinks and we say, “OK” – he bolts through the doorway toward his version of sweet freedom.

I need that healing too. Sure, some things are improved, but there seems to still be so much clouding my mind. I don’t exactly feel “victorious from the clouds of desert dust”, but I am certainly more hopeful than I’ve been in a while.

So, the whole section on “the impostor” was super hard to read. Yes, I’ll admit, I don’t air all my dirty laundry, flaws, mistakes for the whole world to see. I can most certainly relate to this quote by Brennan Manning:

The impostor is attentive to the size, shape, and color of the bandages that veil my nothingness. The false self persuades me to be preoccupied with my weight [yikes]. If I binge… and the scale signals distress the following morning, I am crestfallen. A beautiful day of sunshine beckons, but for the self-absorbed impostor, the bloom is off the rose. [Oh dear Jesus, can we say “ouch”] The minor vanities kidnap my attention away from the indwelling God and temporarily rob me of the joy of God’s Holy Spirit. [been there, but the next part is the final slap] Yet the false self rationalizes my preoccupation with my waistline and overall appearance and whispers, “A fat, sloppy image will diminish your credibility in ministry.” Cunning.

Um, that was terribly convicting. I think all of us conceal our real selves on some level. I think we, as dieters have definitely been duped into putting far too much importance on our “waistline and overall appearance”. So, we put up the front of “I’m on a diet, I’m doing something about this at least.” When dieting isn’t the answer… it isn’t the “cure”. We’re so afraid someone will think us “ugly” if we’re “real”.

You can never be ugly when you are real, “except to people who don’t understand.” ~ Thin Within (p. 225)

I really don’t think I have intentionally not been real… most of the time. Sure, there are times when I’m teaching and I have to put on a smile when I really would rather just curl into a ball and sob. I don’t know if that’s hiding the reality or relying on God for the strength to press on through the day. Or maybe the issue is when I’m just pulling myself up by my bootstraps… saying I’m relying on God… and yet still doing it in my own strength. Hmm… let’s stir in a bit more conviction shall we?

20150502_065357 (2)Yes, I hate for people to see my mistakes, although I know I’ve made plenty even while typing this blog series. I feel like the Lord keeps humbling me through ridiculous blunders I have made lately. I’ve even begun to wonder if I’m going crazy because I never was one to make silly mistakes. But lately, I’ve made one mistake after another and feeling really foolish that I didn’t catch them. Yeah, I think He’s trying to humble me. You would think three concussions would be enough to get the message across. He hasn’t allowed me to have a broken leg yet (broken toe, yes), but I have been clocked in the head and gotten to “be still and know He is God”. I should probably learn this lesson before I end up with another whack to this thick skull.

Well, that was Day 21 🙂

thin within: day twenty

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The last day of part two. What a doozy. Busy, long day and today’s lesson was one that needed added attention. It was about forgiveness again. Oh how I wasn’t in the mood to think about forgiveness… again.

Day Twenty

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ~ Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

I’ve studied forgiveness before. I’ve heard countless sermons on it. I’ve even made huge strides in this area. I am no where near the “list keeper” I used to be… still, after today’s lesson, I had to admit there were still things I was holding onto. I suppose it could be classified as an unwillingness to forgive, but I know my heart’s desire is to forgive… so perhaps it isn’t unwillingness, but rather difficulty.

ForgivenessI liked the author’s explanation of what forgiveness is and isn’t. Then we were asked to do a forgiveness phrase exercise. I decided not to do this exercise in the book. I started a “forgiveness notebook” in which to write my forgiveness phrases. I have ten more days remaining in this study and my plan is to do this exercise daily through the end. Once I feel “released” from a phrase, I’ll stop writing/stating it. Just after doing the exercise I felt a weight lift off of me. I’ve been begging God to take the burden, but I haven’t been actively choosing to release my death grip on them.

Observations and Corrections

Today, I started writing a number in the first and last “key blanks” on the chart. I decided this was a much more accurate representation of what was going on and would help keep me from seeing it as “all or nothing”. I was viewing those first and last check marks as “pass or fail”… or extremes. This way it is just a number.

I was quite tired when I got home this afternoon. So the last thing I cared about was whether I was distracted while eating or not. Still, this was an improvement over sofa eating of the past. Progress is being made.

Oh, and the husband and I started running again this morning. This is really slow going, but I’m really tired of being on the sidelines. Yesterday I did about half of a walking video (Leslie Sansone) and my knee was hurting so badly afterward I was a little hesitant to try jogging this morning. It went ok though.

thin within: day nineteen

thinwithinOk, let’s just say today was a rough day. I woke up after a really weird dream feeling super low and angry. Despite yesterday’s victories of staying within my boundaries, I felt so fat this morning. I mean huge. My pants felt tight again for some reason and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.

Not to mention, I am still in pain, which does not inspire me to pay attention to anything I eat.

Day Nineteen

I felt completely under attack today. Pain, frustration, depression… so not fun. And then today’s lesson was on forgiving myself. Well, great, I feel lousy enough so let’s talk about all my many mistakes too. Ugh. Going through this lesson without beating myself up even more was basically… well, unsuccessful. I tried to put down the “club of condemnation” but it seemed it just kept hopping right back into my hand. brerrabbit

I tried over and over to “cast all my cares upon Him”, but by golly, those just kept clinging to me like tar. I felt like Brer Rabbit fighting with that Tar Baby trap. I fell for the trick over and over today and then I just felt stuck. Yes, this was one of those “one step backward” days.

Observation and Corrections

C=”Car”; S=”Sofa”

There were also frustrating circumstances out of my control that led to it being hours before I could eat lunch. By the time I got food, the last thing I cared about was the zero to five boundary. In fact, I ended up scarfing down my lunch sitting in the car. And then I didn’t care at dinner either. I had that in front of the TV.

Yeah, not my best moment to be sure. Clearly the enemy is out for blood. I guess I’m getting too close to actually breaking free of this thing. Lord, I need protection!

thin within: day eighteen

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Lord you have assigned me my portion and my cup. You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance. ~ Psalm 16:5-6 (NIV)

Day Eighteen

Today’s lesson was about setting Godly boundaries. I loved the examples given of Nehemiah and Jesus. These boundaries are so much more than “wait for a zero to eat”.

I think I tend to go to extremes with other boundaries too. I’m either too open or two closed. Finding that middle ground isn’t easy. I’m either too available or refusing to be available at all. I’ll let something suck up all my time or deny it any time whatsoever.

Boundaries are a good thing. They protect us. I’m praying about the boundaries God is calling me to. I really do want to know where my boundary lines have fallen.

Pleasers, Teasers, and Total Rejects

So, the food portion of today’s lesson was about identifying with foods we find pleasing and which ones tease us… as well as foods that we reject altogether. Basically, what foods benefit us (taste, smell, nutrition). My list probably wouldn’t look like yours… and your list wouldn’t look like your neighbors. We’re all different with various likes and dislikes.

I liked the exercise of identifying pleasers, teasers, and total rejects. There are several foods that I thought I loved that I won’t touch. And there are some that I would eat because “it’s good for you” that I won’t eat anymore either. I kicked artificial sugars to the curb years ago. Recently I tried to revisit them but the taste made me gag so I don’t even bother wondering if I should go “sugar free” again. With Oreos and Swiss Rolls, I can taste the chemicals in them… blech… so I don’t eat those anymore either. Certain french fries and chips are “too greasy” for my liking. There is a vegan “butter” that tastes awesome, but it gives me indigestion – so that’s not worth it either. These are total rejects for me.

Observations and Corrections

O=”Office”

I have decided that there is nothing wrong with sipping coffee in my office while I work on my morning Bible study. I am not going to consider this “distracted eating” unless the Lord convicts me otherwise, and for now, at least, I don’t sense Him prompting me in this area. I was feeling rather legalistic about sitting alone sipping my coffee… it’s coffee. I am not addicted to it. I am not using it to “comfort myself” rather than going to God, so I don’t see it any different from having a cup of herbal tea while I read. I’ve gone back and forth as to whether to include it on these charts or not. So, this will be the last time I do include it. If all I have is coffee (or tea), I’m going to treat it like I do water and not log it.

Overall, today was fairly uneventful. Except I have been in a lot of pain lately. I’m not sure why either. The pain had subsided when I first started using essential oils, but it seems to be returning. Maybe I’m reacting to something I’m eating. Maybe it’s related to the hormonal issues I’m dealing with. I just don’t know.

thin within: day seventeen

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I am redeemed. I simply love this study. After a couple of days where I felt really out of sorts, it’s a blessing to accept and acknowledge that I am not a failure because I’m imperfect… I am an… uh huh, you guessed it… eagle. Alrighty, so back to our regular program.

Day Seventeen

Today’s lesson was all about gratitude. It is virtually impossible to have a stinky attitude when you are focused on gratitude. Of course, the enemy is a master at twisting anything into something bad… if you let him. I began the lesson praising God for all sorts of things. I even chuckled a few times at some of the silly things I wrote down. I was grinning until suddenly a dastardly thought popped into my head.

“Look at how much you have to lose.”

Gasp. Suddenly my praise caught in my throat and visions of Job being dealt one horrible affliction after another. He had much to be thankful for too… and then it was all taken away in a series of unfortunate events. The stifling grief of burying a child rushed in as I pictured Job receiving the news that all of his children were dead. His security… his money… his health… gone. The enemy left him with one thing besides breath… an angry wife (I’m sure she was grief stricken too).

What this revealed to me was the grip I had on the relationships/things I listed as being grateful for. I need to turn them over to God too. They are His, I just get to enjoy them while I’m here.

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)

Hunger Graph

Ok, so we’ve got another tool at our disposal now… “if you choose” to use it. I’ve decided to try it out for a few days to see if it adds to the task of renewing my mind about the eating thing. If it doesn’t, I’ll stop using it, but I’m at least going to give it a go. I kind of think it would be cool to have a tool that encompasses all of the charts in one, but I don’t know what that would look like.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. ~ Psalm 28:7 (NIV)

Observations and Corrections

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T=”Table”; S=”Sofa”

First of all, ignore those green blobs in the photo. They are just bleed-through from the otherside. I got a little “highlighter happy” on the Hunger Graph. I won’t use a highlighter on it tomorrow.

Yet again I attempted to sit on the downstairs sofa to have a nighttime snack. I broke my boundary of 0-5. I really need to figure out something to break this pattern. It is so frustrating. Putting a sign on my scale a long time ago broke my pattern of daily weigh ins… I’m thinking I should follow through with something like that for the sofa. I’ll take a photo once I’ve placed it. I’m hesitant to set an official boundary that I shouldn’t eat while watching TV at all. I need to pray about this one some more.

thin within: day sixteen

thinwithinSo, after yesterday’s victories, today didn’t go as well. Which I guess, after today’s topic, it wasn’t a surprise.

Day Sixteen

Today could have been titled “facing the giants”. I was definitely reminded of how strong a pull my flesh still has on me. I began the day by trying on my “goal from day 3 pants”. The amazing thing was, I was able to not only button them, but zip them too… while standing. They are still way too tight, but going from having a few inches between the button and the buttonhole to being able to close them… in a matter of 15 days, well, that’s pretty amazing.

So, I should have been in a great mood right? Wrong. Those old diet mentality thoughts flooded my mind. All I could think was, “I’m still so far from where I was.” Ugh. I mean it beat me over and over with discontentment. Today felt like a train-wreck.

And then the lesson had us look at significant times/moments in our past… uh oh. I really, really didn’t want to do this exercise. I’ve looked at these things many times before and I really wanted it to all just stay in the past. But alas, I did the exercise. I did not enjoy one moment of it. In fact, as I wrote how the incidents affected my view of God, it was clear that I’m still carrying around some anger and fear. I ended up scrawling a few words in the margin… ok, more than a “few” words. I was seriously upset.

Do you really accept the message that God is head over heals in love with you?” ~ Brennan Manning

Um, I was not feeling this after going through that exercise. I was actually mad. Feelings of “if You love me then why did you allow me to go through that” surfaced. I noted that some of the situations did contribute to the issues I have with food/weight/body image. I also noted that even Jesus begged God to change His mind about what was to come. God brought beauty out of the horrific treatment of His son… and He allowed that for my benefit and the furthering of His Kingdom. So, I decided to accept that He’s allowed pain in my life for some benefit too.

Then the author talked about the reality that the past has nothing to do with our present-time eating. She says, “Present-time eating is asking your body if it is hungry and eating the foods you enjoy now from 0 to 5 or less”. Sound super simple. It takes the emotion right out of the eating experience.

Speaking of taking the emotion out, I ended up downloading the “I deserve a donut” app for android (they have an iPhone version too for all you apple lovers). I got the book a couple of days ago after seeing it mentioned in regard to Thin Within. This is a fantastic tool!! It’s basically a reference manual for dealing with non-hunger eating. If you went through my “hunger unmasked” series then you will understand just how helpful a tool like this can be. I used it a couple of times today, otherwise I am certain my chart would have looked a lot worse.

The LORD uphold all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you , and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his was and loving toward all he has made. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. ~ Psalm 145:14-18 (NIV)

20150427_101246 (2)

T=”Table”; F=”Floor”

 

thin within: day fifteen

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I think it’s great that the author gives us a heads up about day 15. Because yesterday was hectic, I didn’t preview today’s lesson, but there was a little note at the end of day 14 about today. This post should be rather short though.

Day Fifteen

Today was about inviting God into every aspect of our day… and most specifically into a meal.

We were asked to eat a meal with God. Now, I did have a kid at the table because she chose that time to eat lunch too, but I stayed focused.

We are given eleven suggestions for executing “The first meal of the rest of your life”. They are all good suggestions and follow the eight keys. Then we were given a chance to note observations about the meal. I’ve already table settingbeen trying to practice this fully. I do think it’s been easier to wait for zero simply because I had already started working on hunger/fullness before beginning this study.

If you’re struggling with this, don’t lose heart. It will come, just keep trying in the Lord. There isn’t much to add to this. It was a really short lesson. So, I’ll leave you with this passage:

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ~ Ephesians 3:16-19 (NIV)

T=”Table”; C=”Car”

 

thin within: day fourteen

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Today was rather crazy. Admittedly, I was not in the mood to do the study today. I tried while I was in the study room at co-op, but I simply couldn’t focus enough to do all the exercises. And then when I got home, I was too tired. So, some of this is from Day 14 and some was completed the morning of Day 15.

Day Fourteen

Today asked the question “who has God created you to be?” This can be such an overwhelming question to this recovering perfectionist… and to tackle it on such an exhausting day… well, I simply wasn’t in the mood.

We revisited the eagle story, which I still love. “I am an eagle, not a chicken!” It’s not enough though to believe you are an eagle. Yes, that’s where it begins, with belief, but if we truly believe, our actions will follow. I will act like an eagle if I the belief is my foundation.

If God had not intended the eagle to fly, stepping off the cliff with or without wings spread would have proven disasterous! ~ Thin Within (p. 139)

So, we have to know who God has created us to be before we jump off clinging to a belief. God’s word tells me that “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17) In Ephesians I learn that I am “God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved.”

Now, you may be wondering, “why on earth is the author harping on all of this – haven’t we already covered ‘who we are in Christ’?” Well, I don’t know about you, but if I had this belief down in my inmost being, food and body image laws wouldn’t have such a strangle-hold on me. If we don’t “get this” truth, we might as well stop because we won’t be able to live victoriousfreedom-chain01us for longer than it takes for our willpower, resolve, and strength to give out… which isn’t long.

We are building on the concept of who we are in Christ by acknowledging in this lesson that we don’t have to be a slave sin. We don’t have to be mastered by the food and body image laws any longer.

For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law, but under grace. ~ Romans 6:14 (NIV)

A reminder, “eating” isn’t sin. The sin is turning to something other than God. The sin is trying to “fix ourselves” in our own power. The sin is in conforming to the world’s views, standards…etc.

I love how the author also talks about what happens when we “blow it”. She asks the question of whether or not God is grieved “by my willful reluctance to surrender all unto Him or to my lack of faith to claim the power of the Holy Spirit”. To this she responds:

He is grieved because we, as His beloveds, are missing out on His very best. ~ Thin Within (p. 142)

If you’ve got kids, think about this in regard to them. You tell them to do something and you already have in mind a “reward” you’re planning for a job well-done. Unfortunately, your kid decides to blow it off and either not do it, or does a very poor job. Sure, part of you may be angry (we’re human after all), but isn’t there a part of you who is disappointed that you can’t bless that kid with what you’d planned? Yes, I can relate to this.

Fortunately, God is a perfect parent (which may be difficult for us to fathom being imperfect parents). He has our best interests at heart, always. He knows what we’re capable of in Him and He longs to bring that to fruition. However, even though we mess up, He will never break His covenant of love.

The author goes on to describe an “obedient life” using a quote from one of my favorite Bible teachers on the planet. Beth Moore is like my big sister (in Christ) – yeah, I know I’ve never met her in person… but so what. Anyway, this was taken from her fantastic study, Breaking Free:

Obedience does not mean sinlessness but confession and repentance when we sin. Obedience is not arriving at a perpetual state of godliness, but perpetually following hard after God. Obedience is not living miserably by a set of laws, but inviting the Spirit of God to flow freely through us so the power to be victorious comes from God and not from us. Obedience is learning to love and treasure God’s Word and see it as our safety. ~ Beth Moore, Breaking Free

Take Action

This is the part that I didn’t fill out until the morning of day 15. We were asked to come up with lies we still believe. I’ve already been addressing these lies for a bit now, so it was hard to come up with some that I firmly still cling to. Most of them are cracked and breaking apart. God did show me that I am still relying a whole lot on my own strength, not just to follow the 8 keys and completing the daily lessons, but also to keep up with the writing of this blog series… eeekkk! Can we say, “hello, conviction”!

After addressing the lies, we were given a list for replacing false beliefs with truth. I really liked this list. Then we applied one of these truths to the visual aid on page 148. Neat exercise. Really hope you have the book 🙂

A Note About the Medical Moments

While, I have mostly agreed with everything in these so far, I still have to be very careful not to turn some of the information into “rules” or “laws”. I’ve been meaning to say something about it. Since today’s kind of hit me in an ugly way, I thought I would mention my thoughts on it. I am choosing to let God tell me what I should and shouldn’t eat. While I do accept that not everything is beneficial, I’m still keeping food “neutral” in my mind. Knowing something is better or worse for me has never been a strong enough motivator to force me to “eat healthy”. Besides, I trust God to naturally eliminate my desire for what He knows won’t work for my body and increase my desire for what does.

Observations and Corrections

Like I already said, today was wacky. I was running behind schedule and stood in the kitchen chugging my coffee so I could get out the door on time. I didn’t have time for breakfast (coffee was it) because I hadn’t planned very well the night before (so not me). I left the house a bit on the hungry side.

The second “standing in the kitchen” eating incident was out of sheer anxiety over trying to avoid plopping on the sofa with something to eat. I was genuinely hungry, but I wasn’t calm or relaxed. I didn’t pay attention to what I was eating. It was like “grazing” in the pantry. I know I didn’t eat much because I definitely stopped before a “five”. I could call this an utter failure, but the victory is that I didn’t eat while watching TV. Yes, it was still a form of distracted eating, but it wasn’t pleasant in the least. I hated it, and I think that alone will be a deterrent from making this behavior a habit.

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Circled K=”Standing in Kitchen; T=”Table”

Now, there has been a bit of a change in the tv watching dynamics at our house. The husband and I decided to put a sitting area (with a tv) in our bedroom this week. I’m not going to go into all the reasons we decided to do this, but from the moment we started discussing it (months ago), I said, “NO FOOD in the room” (with the exception of some date nights). Even though the TV was set up last night, I went to bed when I realized I was having trouble watching it without thinking about food. (the husband got headphones so I wouldn’t be kept awake by it).

Well, tonight, I was having the same issue, but kept in mind the boundary I’d set – “NO FOOD in the bedroom” (except date night) – and begged the Lord to help me honor it. I could still go down to the kitchen to eat… which is what I did… hence, the whole standing about grazing thing. When I came back to the room, I didn’t hang in long with watching TV though, I ended up going to sleep instead.

Part of the reason I was ok with the sitting area in our room was that I wanted to break my pattern of sitting on the living room sofa eating while watching TV. Knowing that I don’t want food in my bedroom on a regular basis, I hoped this would be a physical obstacle to my old pattern of behavior. So far, it is helping… but I still feel that draw to numb out in front of that box with food. This is something I really rely on for relaxation in the evenings. The husband and I have been doing this for years after getting the kids tucked in. Even when I was dieting I would do this (I had “tv watching approved snacks” then). I believe the Lord will help me break it though.

So, the dynamic change, with the exhausting day… yes, I don’t see today as a failure at all. It was an opportunity to turn it over to God… again, and again, and again…. and again.

But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation. ~ Colossians 1:22 (NIV)