battle of the spouses: round 1

I mentioned the other day that the Husband and I are going to compete against each other in a challenge we’ve designed to get us moving more. We’ve been unmotivated to move for far too long. We’re done lamenting where we were “fitness wise” less than one year ago, and it’s time to set these bodies in motion.

Today begins round 1 of our 3 round venture. Round one will last 4 weeks. We weighed and I’m already on my way to earning those quarters. Hooray! My plan is to post weekly with updates.

When we were drawing up this plan, I asked the husband what his goals for the 12 weeks were. Here’s what he said:

  • Be back on a regular running schedule.
  • Better eating habits.
  • Win contest.

Hmm, I guess he wants to win too. Darn, he’s not going to make this easy. Well, I’m going to give him a run for his money… literally!

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thin within: day thirty

thinwithinThis is it, the final post of this series. It seemed to come so fast in some ways. In other ways it felt like it dragged (struggles). Still, we’ve reached the end of this chapter and yes, I am changed.

Day Thirty

Sing to the LORD a new song; sing to the LORD, all the earth. Sing to the LORD, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;… Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary. ~ Psalm 96:1-4a, 6

Today’s lesson was very short and sweet. There were no food charts or hunger charts or observation/correction tools. Today we were encouraged to keep up the care of the temple, using prayer and ready God’s Word “as a watchman on those walls, as a sentry guarding and preserving your newfound freedom.”

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. ~ 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

We were asked to re-do the “My Relationship with God and My Relationship with Myself” questionnaire. Like yesterday’s look back, I was quite amazed by the difference in my answers. I felt so much more confident when I did the questionnaire too. Only three of my answers remained the same and the rest showed “improvement”.

In closing, we were encouraged to “cling tenaciously to the Savior who has bought you, the King that has wooed you, the Master that has freed you, and the Hero that has rescued you.”

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful. ~ Jeremiah 31:3-4

So, at first I really didn’t want to try on the “day three goal pants” again. Part of me feared there would be no change. I mean, I haven’t exactly been awesome at keeping my boundaries. However, I decided that no matter what happened, I would lean on God’s power and provision to see me through it.

I am actually shocked to report that while snug, I could wear these pants if I wanted to. Not only was I able to button and zip them, but I could still breathe 🙂 Instead of posting a photo of a chart for today (there wasn’t one to fill out), I’ve decided to post a photo comparing the pants I started this journey wearing and the “day three goal pants”. When I set the goal, I couldn’t even make the button/zipper opening meet (several inches apart), let alone button them. I’m sorry, but this is totally amazing to me.

My outward size still has a ways to go, but I am confident that He who began a good work in me will see it to completion. Yes, this is the end of this blog series, but I will still update as I go along. I’m currently participating in a private online group that is going through the Thin Within workbook (12 weeks). They are currently beginning week 5 (remember, these posts are not posting in real time). Up until now, my focus has been on finishing the 30 day book, but I’ll shift gears to working through the rest of the workbook with them. Why? Because I want a full transformation and that requires continually renewing my mind.

I cannot expect to go through a 30 day study and have 28 years of diet mentality thoughts and behaviors completely gone. Am I more like a naturally thin eater than when I began? Absolutely, changes have taken place. However, the Bible tells us to put on the full armor of God. I’m not going to let my guard down because I know that when I’ve done that in the past, I’ve been pulverized. I end up working in my own strength. I end up thinking “I’ve got this” and my focus shifts away from the One who created me. When that happens, like Peter, the “laws” come rushing back. For him, it was the law of gravity. For me, it is the law of sin and death… it is the “path of my performance” instead of the “path of God’s provision”. It is living by sight rather than by faith. I choose faith. I am reminded of the following verse as I consider what has happened in my life time and time again:

“When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45 Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.” ~ Matthew 12:43-45 (NIV)

The visual created for me as it applies to this journey is: In the past, when I’ve begun to rely on the Lord fully, I’ve started by tossing out the world’s views with God’s help. Then, I begin to see my body changing. Things are coming together and I grow more and more confident in myself and less reliant on God. I become lax about renewing my mind in Christ. Then, that old diet monster (with its worldviews) returns to see what’s going on, he finds that my exterior looks to be “in order”, but I am utterly defenseless because I’ve set down my sword. I’m so busy “hammering with all my might” that I don’t even notice the intrusion. I work harder… in my own strength, to cling to the ground I’ve gained. Pound, pound, pound… until all I’m thinking about are the pounds, pounds, pounds. Diet Mentality brings Fear that I will go back to my old habits, so I work even harder (slash this, cut that, burn more). Fear brings Discontentment who says, “It’s not enough… more, more!” Discontentment brings Failure who shouts, “Where’s your God now?” And Failure brings Hopelessness and Futility… “a chasing after the wind”.

The next thing I know, I’m crying and saying, “why did I let this happen again.” No more! God’s grace is sufficient for me! I will keep the “sword” in my hand because God’s Word is sharper than any two edged sword!

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. ~Hebrews 4:12 (KJV)

Alrighty, that’s the end of Day Thirty for me. I pray that your journey through this book is one of Freedom and Joy.

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy – to the only god our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore. Amen. ~ Jude 24-25

thin within: day twenty-nine

thinwithin

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ~ Hebrews 10:25

Day Twenty-Nine

Today was about looking at our journey now that we’ve applied God’s truth in building the walls of the temple. The author uses the example of Nehemiah’s restoration again and how the work continued in the hearts of the people after the physical walls were completed.

Being in community with others traveling this journey is very important… as well as prayer and worship. I know God is going to use this struggle in my life to help others find freedom. In my heart I know I’ve been set free, and I’m just waiting for my outward appearance to reflect that freedom. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that the process of renewing my mind is far from over. It  is still a daily effort to take thoughts captive to Christ. I’m in it for the long haul though. I am no longer content with the goal I set at the first of this study. I’m instead going to trust God for the goal He gave me to shoot for.

Also in today’s study, we completed (again) the questionnaire from the beginning. We then compared our answers to see changes in our views. I was actually quite surprised by my answers. While there were a couple that didn’t change, most did… for the better. Clearly my mind is being renewed, which is exactly what I need… for “as a man thinks, so is he.”

We will not neglect the house of our God ~ Nehemiah 10:39b

Today was Mother’s Day and the weather cancelled services this morning (snow). The family hung out at home. For today’s gratitude statement, I thanked God for the snow. It was so pretty. Yes, I broke my boundaries today, but I know that’s just going to be something that happens on this journey. When it does, I have two choices, I can return to my old thought patterns or I can make it an opportunity to take those thoughts captive to Christ. I can choose to practice renewing my mind.

Tomorrow is the final day of this study, but it is far from the end of this journey.

 

thin within: day twenty-eight

thinwithin

Today was rather an emotional day, but I lived through it.

Day Twenty-Eight

Today my oldest son’s graduating class received their diplomas. We passed another milestone without him here. I think what feels really strange about this milestone is that we won’t have another one like this again. All milestones after high school graduation vary from person to person, and so we would have no way of knowing when/if he would have gone to college, gotten married, become a father… etc.

Anyway, we decided to volunteer as ushers for our co-op’s high school graduation ceremony. We got to see the entire thing and it was so special. I love the way they celebrate each graduate. Yes, I shed some tears, but was able to keep it to a minimum to keep my make-up intact.

Today’s lesson wasn’t about graduations though, it was a continuation of yesterday’s topic. We considered what it means to “take my yoke upon you”. I took away that it means I’m not doing this alone. I’m going to be yoked to something, so the best choice is the one whose “yoke is easy” and whose “burden is light”.

Then we talked about procrastination. EEEKKKK! The author tells a story about “Cassandra” whose house is a mess and the task seems insurmountable. It was a great visual of how we can break large tasks down into smaller bits. Then we were asked to list things we put off doing. I had quite the list. I do believe I’m called to do everything I listed, but I definitely need an attitude adjustment about some of it.

Lord, Let each moment of this day be lived for You and Your glory and by Your strength only. Guide and direct my steps. Amen.

Next we moved on to making sure we schedule time to rest. I think the lack of rest is one of the reasons people procrastinate. We’re tired of “doing” (especially what we don’t like doing). So, we were asked to list things that we enjoy and try to incorporate those into our schedule.

Observation and Correction

I’ll admit, I tried to fill out the chart after the day was done. I usually try to do it after each meal. So, I’m not going to bother posting a photo of it because I can’t be entirely sure it is an accurate representation of today’s food occasions. I do know I felt rather successful after our lunch out. I was really hungry when we sat down to eat. I know when I stopped eating I was at a solid five – maybe a six, but considering how hungry I was, the six was still a success. I could have easily scarfed down way more before I realized it.

We were kind of cooped up indoors after getting home from lunch. It’s been raining and hailing here for like a week. Today was stormy again and even started snowing this evening. We all kind of lounged in front of the tv for the evening… eating. I didn’t even get out my boundary bowl.

thin within: day twenty-seven

thinwithinWe’re getting down to the end of this thing… well, the end of the study, not the end of the journey.

Day Twenty-Seven

Today’s lesson was about something our family has been working on for over a year now. Over a year ago, we drastically reduced the kids’ commitments, which reduced mine. Then, when I completed 1st degree black belt, I decided to take a break from TaeKwonDo.

I completely believe that people today are far too busy for their own good. Sure, there are things we must do, but we do a lot of things that aren’t necessary. I really believe our shift in priorities is the main reason I’ve been able to focus on this quest to become a naturally thin eater. I am so not there yet, but I know from past experience that I would have returned to dieting long before now.

The author gives reasons for why we become weary, and we’re asked to do an exercise where we write down our schedule for the week. Mine is looking rather busy for the upcoming week (today is Friday), but that’s because we’re finishing up our lessons (homeschool), volunteering at a high school graduation ceremony in memory of our deceased son, and we have co-op stuff to do (which also breaks for summer this week). Oh, and since next year’s curriculum arrived today, I have to write up the 15 year old’s summer school lesson plans because she wants to shoot for graduating high school a year early. Of course, I’ve written pretty much nothing on Sunday because it’s Mother’s Day* and I just never know what kind of mood I’ll be in that day.

Aside from this being a busy time of year for us just because everything seems to “wrap up” in May, we’ve tried to reduce our commitments significantly. I think my problem with growing weary is trying to do everything perfectly… in my own strength. Oh, and I seem to have no trouble making myself a mile-long to-do list… which rarely get’s finished. I’ve gotten a lot better at telling others “no”, but not so good at telling myself “no”.

Observation and Correction

This morning I took two sips of my green smoothie while standing in the kitchen and decided I just didn’t feel like eating right then. I did finish it later. Dinner was pizza while watching TV with the kids. I started out feeling pretty good this morning, but by bed, I felt kind of yucky. Tomorrow we volunteer at the graduation. Maybe I’m just feeling rather emotional about that.

thin within: day twenty-six

thinwithin

Today was another fairly short lesson. I guess we’re winding down. So, let’s get to it.

Day Twenty-Six

Today is a rather simple message and certainly one of the underlying themes of the entire study. Christ is more than enough. He’s all we need.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen you frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. ~ Isaiah 58:11

My goodness, that sounds lovely doesn’t it? There is no food on the planet that can promise that. Unfortunately, the author goes on to point out that we can trade our bondage to diet mentality and old eating habits for other forms of slavery. We’ve all heard people say that they gained a lot of weight after giving up cigarettes. Why? Because they turned to food to fill the void left by the nicotine. Well, God forbid that we should break our patterns of behavior with food only to turn to something else for comfort, escape… fulfillment. I certainly don’t feel like this Psalmist every day, but oh how I wish I did:

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirst for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods. With singing lips my mouth will praise you. ~Psalm 63:1-5

I’ve heard Beth Moore say many times that if there is a heart change you want, ask God to give it to you. This passage would be mine. I want this every day. I want it so bad I could scream. I don’t want to spend whatever is left of my life here wishing for things that are temporary. Yes, I think God wants us to enjoy His earthly blessings, but I think we’re supposed to keep in mind that they are still His and they are still “earthly”.

I love that the author quotes A.W. Tozer. I have a couple of his books, to include the one she quotes from. It takes me a few pages before my brain adjusts to the depth of his writing, but when it gets there I’m like, Woah. In this particular quote, he talks about occupying our time with “programs, methods, organizations, and a world of nervous activities” in lieu of “wanting” after God. He says these things “occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart.” Too true.

I cannot even count the number of times I’ve thought something would be “just what I wanted” and then I’d be “satisfied”… only to discover that it wasn’t satisfying at all. Reaching the “perfect number” on the scale was one of those things. I’ve been thin and I’ve been obese. I’ve found that I can be discontent with my appearance at both ends of the spectrum. I’ve found that “being thin” didn’t solve my longing to be prettier, or thinner, or whatever. It only magnified my fear of being obese. Why? Because then I was afraid of losing everything I’d starved and beat myself up for. Chasing after that number gained me nothing of value… except maybe a few co-miserating relationships along the way.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind. Nothing was gained. ~Ecclesiastes 2:11 (NIV)

My sentiments exactly. We can try to gratify ourselves with the things of this world, but true satisfaction comes from “constant fellowship with our Creator” (p.278). The author explains the difference between satisfaction and gratification, and I liked that part too.

If you’ve ever read the lyrics to the Rolling Stones’ song, “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction”… that is a perfect example of someone searching for something that can only be found at the feet of Jesus. Rather sad isn’t it? Well, here’s a little poem I titled, “Hope”. I wrote it one night as a teenager when I was so tired of being trapped by the obsession with my weight. It was my way of crying out to God about the struggle. I remember bawling after I wrote the first two stanzas and then I felt like the Lord spoke back with Hope (hence the title):

Scratch at the walls
Dig at the floor
Trapped in a box
That has no door

Lost in the darkness
Alone in the night
Wide open eyes
Receive no sight

Open soul and
Drink in affection
Just meditate in the Word
And marvel at perfection

Bowed head in prayer
Confessions of the heart
Reside in the temple
The body, a work of art

Etch upon remembrance
The past from wince came
To not return eternally
The lamb knows my name

ThePitEven back then, I knew what I needed to escape the tyranny of the lies. I even told myself to “etch” it upon my “remembrance”. I didn’t want to forget the grace and mercy and lovingkindness God showed me that night as a cried into my journal. But alas, I would fall right back into the pit again and again in the years to come. Why? Because I mistakenly thought food was the enemy, and that I was a failure because I couldn’t control it. Which leads me to the other lie. I believed I had to be perfect. I didn’t see it at the time as pride and trying to do everything in my own strength. I also didn’t realize I was actually addicted to dieting and battling an irrational fear of being overweight (which goes along with the notion of perfection).

I feel so strongly about this stronghold now. I cannot help but become emotional when I hear Tenth Avenue North’s, By My Side. So beautiful. I imagine Jesus singing it to me. I imagine He’s been singing it to me since I was a little girl.

Alright, so, moving on with today’s study. I said it was short, but clearly it tapped into a few things for me. Using Solomon’s “good-bye letter to everything else” from Ecclesiastes as an example, we were asked to write letters saying “good-bye” to whatever we’ve turned to besides God. I liked the food example so much that I just read it and agreed with it. The one I wrote was a good-bye to diets. I’m sure there is more I could say, but this has turned into a mini-book and not a simple blog post, so I’m going to wrap this up.

In case you’re wondering how Solomon ended his “good-bye” to chasing after the wind, here ya go:

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter; Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. ~ Ecclesiastes 12:13

See, told you it was a simple message. As though I could feel any more like this study was tailor made with me in mind, the author used two more verses today from the ones I’m memorizing with my SSMT ladies.

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits… Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s. ~Psalm 103:2, 5 (KJV)

I’ve lamented so many times all the years of my youth that I wasted “chasing after the wind”, but this verse gives me hope that those years will be restored. Bless the LORD, O my soul…

Observation and Correction

Remember, today’s chart will say Day 25 because I accidently wrote Day 25 on Day 26’s chart. You’ll notice a couple of circled K’s, which mean I was standing in the kitchen. With the first incident, we were trying to get out the door. I was hungry, but didn’t feel like sitting down to a full meal. So, I snacked on a few slices (like 4) of bread and butter pickles and one tiny piece of chocolate. Then we were out the door. I know the second incident was when I got home. I think it was when I caught myself after mindlessly eating two tiny pieces of chocolate from the candy bowl (was so hungry). I stopped and waited for dinner to be ready (which was Indian Dahl w/ basmati rice and vegetable samosas… yum).

Ok, I really think that’s enough for today. Thanks for hanging in there with me through that.

thin within: day twenty-five

thinwithinCan you believe how close we are to the end of these thirty days? Neither can I. It’s been a very beneficial journey thus, far.

Day Twenty-Five

Today was rather simple. It was about coming up with creative solutions for eating in distracted situations. The focus was on eating with our family first and then moved to other social situations. Of course, I would have to add “TV watching” to my distracted eating… which is why I’m using the boundary bowl.

My mom told me the other day that she simply puts a fist amount of food on her plate, and when it’s gone, she stops. This is still a boundary, even if it isn’t “zero to five” specific. I’ve already mentioned that I’ve added a “boundary bowl”. Most of the time I put a fist amount or less in it, but I know I have full permission to fill it if I wish (because that’s the boundary I’ve set for now in regard to the use of the bowl).

Barb Raveling made a good point about boundaries in her book, I Deserve a Donut. She said that when choosing our boundaries, we can ask the question: “What can I live with for the rest of my life?” She goes on to say that they need to be “loose enough that you can live with them on a permanent basis but strict enough that you won’t be able to eat just for fun or for emotional reasons.” Of course, she follows this up by reiterating that this still isn’t about picking the perfect boundary, the ultimate goal is to renew your mind in Christ.

Anyway, the author gives tips for feeding your family while you honor your boundaries. My family is quite on board with what I’ve been doing and are even practicing some of the things I’m learning just by watching me do it.

I liked the exercise for coming up with the reasons for eating with your family and friends. These reasons should be our focus above seeing how much food we can mindlessly put away. I am finding that I need far less food than I thought 25 days ago.

Anyway, that’s all. You’ll notice that the chart I’m posting for today says “day 26”. I filled it in on the wrong chart  lol… see, silly mistakes. So, tomorrow’s will say “day 25”, but don’t let that throw you off. The perfectionist in me was going to white it all out and do it over, but I decided to just “let it go”.