This is it, the final post of this series. It seemed to come so fast in some ways. In other ways it felt like it dragged (struggles). Still, we’ve reached the end of this chapter and yes, I am changed.

Day Thirty

Sing to the LORD a new song; sing to the LORD, all the earth. Sing to the LORD, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;… Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary. ~ Psalm 96:1-4a, 6

Today’s lesson was very short and sweet. There were no food charts or hunger charts or observation/correction tools. Today we were encouraged to keep up the care of the temple, using prayer and ready God’s Word “as a watchman on those walls, as a sentry guarding and preserving your newfound freedom.”

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. ~ 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

We were asked to re-do the “My Relationship with God and My Relationship with Myself” questionnaire. Like yesterday’s look back, I was quite amazed by the difference in my answers. I felt so much more confident when I did the questionnaire too. Only three of my answers remained the same and the rest showed “improvement”.

In closing, we were encouraged to “cling tenaciously to the Savior who has bought you, the King that has wooed you, the Master that has freed you, and the Hero that has rescued you.”

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful. ~ Jeremiah 31:3-4

So, at first I really didn’t want to try on the “day three goal pants” again. Part of me feared there would be no change. I mean, I haven’t exactly been awesome at keeping my boundaries. However, I decided that no matter what happened, I would lean on God’s power and provision to see me through it.

I am actually shocked to report that while snug, I could wear these pants if I wanted to. Not only was I able to button and zip them, but I could still breathe 🙂 Instead of posting a photo of a chart for today (there wasn’t one to fill out), I’ve decided to post a photo comparing the pants I started this journey wearing and the “day three goal pants”. When I set the goal, I couldn’t even make the button/zipper opening meet (several inches apart), let alone button them. I’m sorry, but this is totally amazing to me.

My outward size still has a ways to go, but I am confident that He who began a good work in me will see it to completion. Yes, this is the end of this blog series, but I will still update as I go along. I’m currently participating in a private online group that is going through the Thin Within workbook (12 weeks). They are currently beginning week 5 (remember, these posts are not posting in real time). Up until now, my focus has been on finishing the 30 day book, but I’ll shift gears to working through the rest of the workbook with them. Why? Because I want a full transformation and that requires continually renewing my mind.

I cannot expect to go through a 30 day study and have 28 years of diet mentality thoughts and behaviors completely gone. Am I more like a naturally thin eater than when I began? Absolutely, changes have taken place. However, the Bible tells us to put on the full armor of God. I’m not going to let my guard down because I know that when I’ve done that in the past, I’ve been pulverized. I end up working in my own strength. I end up thinking “I’ve got this” and my focus shifts away from the One who created me. When that happens, like Peter, the “laws” come rushing back. For him, it was the law of gravity. For me, it is the law of sin and death… it is the “path of my performance” instead of the “path of God’s provision”. It is living by sight rather than by faith. I choose faith. I am reminded of the following verse as I consider what has happened in my life time and time again:

“When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. ⁴⁴ Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. ⁴⁵ Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.” ~ Matthew 12:43-45 (NIV)

The visual created for me as it applies to this journey is: In the past, when I’ve begun to rely on the Lord fully, I’ve started by tossing out the world’s views with God’s help. Then, I begin to see my body changing. Things are coming together and I grow more and more confident in myself and less reliant on God. I become lax about renewing my mind in Christ. Then, that old diet monster (with its worldviews) returns to see what’s going on, he finds that my exterior looks to be “in order”, but I am utterly defenseless because I’ve set down my sword. I’m so busy “hammering with all my might” that I don’t even notice the intrusion. I work harder… in my own strength, to cling to the ground I’ve gained. Pound, pound, pound… until all I’m thinking about are the pounds, pounds, pounds. Diet Mentality brings Fear that I will go back to my old habits, so I work even harder (slash this, cut that, burn more). Fear brings Discontentment who says, “It’s not enough… more, more!” Discontentment brings Failure who shouts, “Where’s your God now?” And Failure brings Hopelessness and Futility… “a chasing after the wind”.

The next thing I know, I’m crying and saying, “why did I let this happen again.” No more! God’s grace is sufficient for me! I will keep the “sword” in my hand because God’s Word is sharper than any two edged sword!

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. ~Hebrews 4:12 (KJV)

Alrighty, that’s the end of Day Thirty for me. I pray that your journey through this book is one of Freedom and Joy.

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy – to the only god our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore. Amen. ~ Jude 24-25

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ~ Hebrews 10:25

Day Twenty-Nine

Today was about looking at our journey now that we’ve applied God’s truth in building the walls of the temple. The author uses the example of Nehemiah’s restoration again and how the work continued in the hearts of the people after the physical walls were completed.

Being in community with others traveling this journey is very important… as well as prayer and worship. I know God is going to use this struggle in my life to help others find freedom. In my heart I know I’ve been set free, and I’m just waiting for my outward appearance to reflect that freedom. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that the process of renewing my mind is far from over. It  is still a daily effort to take thoughts captive to Christ. I’m in it for the long haul though. I am no longer content with the goal I set at the first of this study. I’m instead going to trust God for the goal He gave me to shoot for.

Also in today’s study, we completed (again) the questionnaire from the beginning. We then compared our answers to see changes in our views. I was actually quite surprised by my answers. While there were a couple that didn’t change, most did… for the better. Clearly my mind is being renewed, which is exactly what I need… for “as a man thinks, so is he.”

We will not neglect the house of our God ~ Nehemiah 10:39b

Today was Mother’s Day and the weather cancelled services this morning (snow). The family hung out at home. For today’s gratitude statement, I thanked God for the snow. It was so pretty. Yes, I broke my boundaries today, but I know that’s just going to be something that happens on this journey. When it does, I have two choices, I can return to my old thought patterns or I can make it an opportunity to take those thoughts captive to Christ. I can choose to practice renewing my mind.

Tomorrow is the final day of this study, but it is far from the end of this journey.

Today was another fairly short lesson. I guess we’re winding down. So, let’s get to it.

Day Twenty-Six

Today is a rather simple message and certainly one of the underlying themes of the entire study. Christ is more than enough. He’s all we need.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen you frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. ~ Isaiah 58:11

My goodness, that sounds lovely doesn’t it? There is no food on the planet that can promise that. Unfortunately, the author goes on to point out that we can trade our bondage to diet mentality and old eating habits for other forms of slavery. We’ve all heard people say that they gained a lot of weight after giving up cigarettes. Why? Because they turned to food to fill the void left by the nicotine. Well, God forbid that we should break our patterns of behavior with food only to turn to something else for comfort, escape… fulfillment. I certainly don’t feel like this Psalmist every day, but oh how I wish I did:

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirst for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods. With singing lips my mouth will praise you. ~Psalm 63:1-5

I’ve heard Beth Moore say many times that if there is a heart change you want, ask God to give it to you. This passage would be mine. I want this every day. I want it so bad I could scream. I don’t want to spend whatever is left of my life here wishing for things that are temporary. Yes, I think God wants us to enjoy His earthly blessings, but I think we’re supposed to keep in mind that they are still His and they are still “earthly”.

I love that the author quotes A.W. Tozer. I have a couple of his books, to include the one she quotes from. It takes me a few pages before my brain adjusts to the depth of his writing, but when it gets there I’m like, Woah. In this particular quote, he talks about occupying our time with “programs, methods, organizations, and a world of nervous activities” in lieu of “wanting” after God. He says these things “occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart.” Too true.

I cannot even count the number of times I’ve thought something would be “just what I wanted” and then I’d be “satisfied”… only to discover that it wasn’t satisfying at all. Reaching the “perfect number” on the scale was one of those things. I’ve been thin and I’ve been obese. I’ve found that I can be discontent with my appearance at both ends of the spectrum. I’ve found that “being thin” didn’t solve my longing to be prettier, or thinner, or whatever. It only magnified my fear of being obese. Why? Because then I was afraid of losing everything I’d starved and beat myself up for. Chasing after that number gained me nothing of value… except maybe a few co-miserating relationships along the way.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind. Nothing was gained. ~Ecclesiastes 2:11 (NIV)

My sentiments exactly. We can try to gratify ourselves with the things of this world, but true satisfaction comes from “constant fellowship with our Creator” (p.278). The author explains the difference between satisfaction and gratification, and I liked that part too.

If you’ve ever read the lyrics to the Rolling Stones’ song, “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction”… that is a perfect example of someone searching for something that can only be found at the feet of Jesus. Rather sad isn’t it? Well, here’s a little poem I titled, “Hope”. I wrote it one night as a teenager when I was so tired of being trapped by the obsession with my weight. It was my way of crying out to God about the struggle. I remember bawling after I wrote the first two stanzas and then I felt like the Lord spoke back with Hope (hence the title):

Scratch at the walls
Dig at the floor
Trapped in a box
That has no door

Lost in the darkness
Alone in the night
Wide open eyes
Receive no sight

Open soul and
Drink in affection
Just meditate in the Word
And marvel at perfection

Bowed head in prayer
Confessions of the heart
Reside in the temple
The body, a work of art

Etch upon remembrance
The past from wince came
To not return eternally
The lamb knows my name

Even back then, I knew what I needed to escape the tyranny of the lies. I even told myself to “etch” it upon my “remembrance”. I didn’t want to forget the grace and mercy and lovingkindness God showed me that night as a cried into my journal. But alas, I would fall right back into the pit again and again in the years to come. Why? Because I mistakenly thought food was the enemy, and that I was a failure because I couldn’t control it. Which leads me to the other lie. I believed I had to be perfect. I didn’t see it at the time as pride and trying to do everything in my own strength. I also didn’t realize I was actually addicted to dieting and battling an irrational fear of being overweight (which goes along with the notion of perfection).

I feel so strongly about this stronghold now. I cannot help but become emotional when I hear Tenth Avenue North’s, By My Side. So beautiful. I imagine Jesus singing it to me. I imagine He’s been singing it to me since I was a little girl.

Alright, so, moving on with today’s study. I said it was short, but clearly it tapped into a few things for me. Using Solomon’s “good-bye letter to everything else” from Ecclesiastes as an example, we were asked to write letters saying “good-bye” to whatever we’ve turned to besides God. I liked the food example so much that I just read it and agreed with it. The one I wrote was a good-bye to diets. I’m sure there is more I could say, but this has turned into a mini-book and not a simple blog post, so I’m going to wrap this up.

In case you’re wondering how Solomon ended his “good-bye” to chasing after the wind, here ya go:

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter; Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. ~ Ecclesiastes 12:13

See, told you it was a simple message. As though I could feel any more like this study was tailor made with me in mind, the author used two more verses today from the ones I’m memorizing with my SSMT ladies.

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits… Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s. ~Psalm 103:2, 5 (KJV)

I’ve lamented so many times all the years of my youth that I wasted “chasing after the wind”, but this verse gives me hope that those years will be restored. Bless the LORD, O my soul…

Observation and Correction

Remember, today’s chart will say Day 25 because I accidently wrote Day 25 on Day 26’s chart. You’ll notice a couple of circled K’s, which mean I was standing in the kitchen. With the first incident, we were trying to get out the door. I was hungry, but didn’t feel like sitting down to a full meal. So, I snacked on a few slices (like 4) of bread and butter pickles and one tiny piece of chocolate. Then we were out the door. I know the second incident was when I got home. I think it was when I caught myself after mindlessly eating two tiny pieces of chocolate from the candy bowl (was so hungry). I stopped and waited for dinner to be ready (which was Indian Dahl w/ basmati rice and vegetable samosas… yum).

Ok, I really think that’s enough for today. Thanks for hanging in there with me through that.

Can you believe how close we are to the end of these thirty days? Neither can I. It’s been a very beneficial journey thus, far.

Day Twenty-Five

Today was rather simple. It was about coming up with creative solutions for eating in distracted situations. The focus was on eating with our family first and then moved to other social situations. Of course, I would have to add “TV watching” to my distracted eating… which is why I’m using the boundary bowl.

My mom told me the other day that she simply puts a fist amount of food on her plate, and when it’s gone, she stops. This is still a boundary, even if it isn’t “zero to five” specific. I’ve already mentioned that I’ve added a “boundary bowl”. Most of the time I put a fist amount or less in it, but I know I have full permission to fill it if I wish (because that’s the boundary I’ve set for now in regard to the use of the bowl).

Barb Raveling made a good point about boundaries in her book, I Deserve a Donut. She said that when choosing our boundaries, we can ask the question: “What can I live with for the rest of my life?” She goes on to say that they need to be “loose enough that you can live with them on a permanent basis but strict enough that you won’t be able to eat just for fun or for emotional reasons.” Of course, she follows this up by reiterating that this still isn’t about picking the perfect boundary, the ultimate goal is to renew your mind in Christ.

Anyway, the author gives tips for feeding your family while you honor your boundaries. My family is quite on board with what I’ve been doing and are even practicing some of the things I’m learning just by watching me do it.

I liked the exercise for coming up with the reasons for eating with your family and friends. These reasons should be our focus above seeing how much food we can mindlessly put away. I am finding that I need far less food than I thought 25 days ago.

Anyway, that’s all. You’ll notice that the chart I’m posting for today says “day 26”. I filled it in on the wrong chart  lol… see, silly mistakes. So, tomorrow’s will say “day 25”, but don’t let that throw you off. The perfectionist in me was going to white it all out and do it over, but I decided to just “let it go”.

Today was a continuation of the last lesson I half-heartedly completed. So, I went back to day twenty-two and visited it properly this time. I am even more convinced that had I really paid attention to what I was reading, I could have saved myself two days of misery.

So, today I’m clinging to the promise that the Lord will make a way when there seems to be no way.

Day Twenty-Three

My goodness, there is but a week remaining. I have no idea where my “day 3 goal” pants are in the equation… and I don’t care. I just realized where I’m at in the lovely monthly cycle, and it is no surprise I was feeling so out of whack. This was also information I could have used the past few days. Just knowing that it’s hormones and they can’t be trusted would have made a huge difference. Alas, as with the study, I wasn’t entering my temps on my chart (had them in my head the past three mornings), so I didn’t realize I had crossed over into the twilight zone known as PMS week.

Despite this knowledge, I had a melt-down upon the realization that the 17 year old had eaten my soup. There were tears and even now, hours later, my eyes still feel swollen. Ok, so I bawled my eyes out over soup. And this was after having a quite lovely time in the Word. Can we say “hormone palooza”? Sigh.

Abraham believed the LORD and he credited it to him as righteousness. ~ Genesis 15:6

If you know the story of Abraham, you know he had plenty of moments where his belief waivered… where his human side showed forth. And yet, here we see his belief is credited to him as righteousness. I figure that must mean God doesn’t expect us to be able to pull off perfection. I figure He expects us to mess up… and that’s why He provided grace.

So, after going back through lesson 22, I was able to continue through the list “Steps to Strengthening your Belief System”. We were asked to write three character qualities that we believe God wants to bring about in our lives. One of the three I selected was contentment. I become discontent so easily and then I find myself feeling down and ultimately making stupid decisions.

If you’ve visited my kitchen, you know that my appliances are a bit dated… and some of them aren’t functioning properly anymore… and I just don’t like the color lol. The husband and I both agree that they need replacing but we had agreed to working on another financial goal before renovating the kitchen. Then our dishwasher decided to flake out for a day and we found ourselves at the store pricing an entire set of new appliances.

Do we have the money? Technically yes. We wouldn’t have to charge them (trying to do the debt free thang), so there was a part of us that was like, “What’s the big deal? So we put off this other goal for a bit longer. At least we’ll have new appliances without incurring debt. And they were at a really great discount. Win, Win… right?” I don’t know how long we were in that store working with the salesman, but right before we pulled the trigger, the husband says, “Ok, thanks [salesman’s name], this gives us something to think about.”

Gasp. I thought we were having appliances delivered. I had already pictured my brand new kitchen (well, except for the rest of the kitchen that needs a facelift). Ok, I’ll admit it, I was mad. We went to another part of the store, sat in one of the lawn furniture displays and talked. The husband wasn’t sure we should go through with it because he didn’t feel right about delaying our original goal. Hmph, now he’s getting all financially disciplined on me (I’m the money nerd… he’s the free spirit… it’s a Dave Ramsey thing).

I didn’t say much, but he could tell I was not happy. “Fine,” I said and we left the store. I think a part of me hoped my sulking would have him changing his mind before we drove away… Nope. By the time we got home, I had come around. He was right… but then he started switching gears on me and was considering going through with it anyway. I told him, no, he was right before. We need to follow through and we need to be content with what we have while we wait. He seemed relieved.

It is really easy for me to become discontent with my appearance too. I want to be thin NOW, but I need to be content with what I do have. I can see and walk and hear and smell and hug and type and smile and laugh and these are all blessings I receive because of this body God has given me.

The next step is to take negative thoughts captive… which I have talked so much about out here that it should probably be the “theme” of this blog. So, I’ll move on to the last three steps.

What then shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – now will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ~ Romans 8:31-32 (NIV)

God is so “for me” that He sacrificed His Son for my benefit. There is no way I could do that for anyone. So, obviously He is for me in this battle against the flesh. It is for freedom that He has set me free.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. ~ 1 John 4:4

I also liked the reminder in step 9 that God is greater than our enemy. I think so often we forget God’s awesome power because we focus so much on the grace and mercy He extends to us. Children of God have access to that power in the midst of struggles and attacks and we should use it.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there you hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. ~ Psalm 139:7-10

Step ten reminds us that we are not alone. No matter how we may feel, God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5b). That’s quite comforting.

I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my delieverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. ~ Psalm 18:1-2

I’m going to close out this section with Hawk Nelson’s song, Drops in the Ocean. This song came on the radio when the husband and I left the house to buy a new wheel for the lawn mower (yes, it seems like all our stuff is breaking lol). It was perfectly timed for today’s lesson. Enjoy.

Observe and Correct

Ok, so today you’re going to notice some weird stuff on my chart. Not only am I now including my hunger numbers, I’ve added a thing I’m calling my “boundary bowl”. All of those “B’s” you see indicate that I was using my “boundary bowl” when I ate. I have decided to try this boundary in place of 0-5 when I know I’ll be eating in a distracted situation. I’m still going to practice checking in and attempt to pay better attention to the food even with distractions, but I thought I would give myself a physical boundary too. Right now it’s a plastic, 2 cup, food storage bowl. I’m hoping to find a prettier version, but this will do for now.

How does it work, well, this is the bowl I would take to the sofa. If I’m gonna eat in front of the TV, it has to fit in the bowl. So, no taking the entire bag of chips, or a mounded plate of whatever. If I finish off the bowl, I’ll have to re-evaluate my hunger levels before I refill it.

The “M” means “Miscellaneous”. Part of the time I was munching on a few nuts (I did NOT fill the bowl with nuts, just sprinkled a few in the bottom of the bowl), I was standing in the bay window looking out at my pretty tulips (that’s pretty much all that has bloomed so far). Then I went to my office… then the husband needed to talk to me about something… so basically I wasn’t seated the whole time or in the same place so I put an “M”.

Alrighty – that’s it for today 🙂

Well, do you know what happens when you stomp your foot and say “No”, and then listen to all the lies to justify your behavior?

Um, I do.

For starters, you end up going two days without working on your Bible study. You end up with two days of crazy, last supper style, eating. You end up feeling utterly wretched and fatter than ever.

And do you know why?

Because I left the lies unchecked. I let them take root, I acted upon the lies, and then do you know what the enemy did?

Um, I do.

He turned around and used my actions to beat me with the club of condemnation. It sounds something like this:

“How on earth could you screw up like that?”

“See, I told you that you didn’t have any self-control.”

“Obviously God is no help.”

“Um, did you say you were set free? I don’t see it.”

“Now you’re fatter than when you began.”

“You fell for it, you’re such a failure.” (add a sinister laugh)

“Hmm, Eagle? I think not. Looks like a chicken to me.”

“Ha ha, now you have to post… again… that you are a big fat loser!”

Suddenly I had those horrible feelings you get when you blow a diet… only I’m not on a diet. I felt more and more hopeless as the day wore on…. and I ate to “soothe”. I was in full-blown “I deserve a donut” lie mode. By the end of the day I felt miserable physically and emotionally.

And then another silly mistake I had recently made was brought to my attention. It was a mistake that, while seemingly minor, upset some people – and rightly so…. which added:

“You just can’t do anything right.”

Ugh. Even as I type this, I really feel like crying. I know they are all lies but I feel so weighed down… depressed… but there is hope.

Maybe I didn’t do my Thin Within study today, but I did make myself go to my daughter’s piano recital despite wanting to hide my body from the world. I’m glad I went, she played beautifully.

Yeah, I didn’t do the TW study, but when I got home from the recital, I did get out my copy of Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word. I opened it and the page before me was the chapter on “Food Related Strongholds”. Every chapter in this book is amazing, but this is the one I needed today, not because it was about “food” per say (because she says very little about food), but because of this:

Obedience to God is not some diet we suddenly blow. It is something to which we recommit every single day, no matter how we blew it the day before. Victorious living is not an instant arrival. It is the pursuit of one victorious day at a time until the sun sets on enough to begin forming victorious habits. ~ Praying God’s Word, pg. 152

I had to let that sink in for a moment. “Obedience to God”… this isn’t about the food (as I’ve said over and over). This isn’t even about “0-5” eating. This is about obeying God and walking in His will.

I cannot undo the past two days, but I can “recommit” in this moment. I prayed some of the scripture prayers Beth includes, and then I didn’t eat again the rest of the night. Not because I was being “noble” or “good” or even as a form of punishing myself for overindulging. No, I didn’t eat because doing so would have broken boundaries I agreed to live within. I didn’t eat because I wasn’t hungry. I decided to accept God’s grace and tear back down the “high places” I’d let begin reconstruction in my mind.

I’m taking back up my hammer… and my Sword.