just showing up

Yes, it has been a while since I posted out here.  I’ve started posts over and over, but never clicked that little “publish” button.  It’s difficult to explain where I’ve been and why.  Perhaps I’m not supposed to explain at this time.  Perhaps I’m just supposed to show up and let God work out all the other stuff.

I’ve been on a journey.  No, not an entirely positive one, but that’s probably not surprising to hear when someone returns from such a long silence.  I don’t know how much I’ll share because that will depend on what God lays on my heart.  For now, I’m just showing up.

I thought about titling this piece something inspirational like “Finally Getting 20/20 Vision”, but that would hint at a bit more enthusiasm than I’m feeling at the moment.  In reality, I still feel rather “blah” and “uninspired”.  That’s why I’m just showing up.

A new year. New stages of life. And I’m praying for “newness of life”.  I feel as though I’ve woken from a long sleep, far from refreshed, yet clinging to a tiny ray of hope which has somehow managed to penetrate the darkness.

So, my plan is to take you with me, for those who care to come, as I choose life and love.

Until tomorrow – may the Lord give you the strength to “just show up” in your life today.



thin within: can’t want to


Well, it’s Saturday and today I just “can’t want to”. My oldest daughter used to say if we asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. She was three at the time. Of course, we didn’t let her off the hook.

But here I am, at forty, pouting and saying, “I can’t want to”.

I would love to report that I overcame this feeling, but I didn’t. I sat down with the study for a few minutes but my heart just wasn’t in it. I couldn’t make myself focus. I prayed, but to be honest, I just think I was feeling particularly rebellious. Then all the justification poured in.

“What’s the big deal if you miss one day?”

“You deserve a break, this is hard work.”

“Come on, you’re just being legalistic and a slave to rules if you make yourself do this.” (um, that one was really cleverly cunning)

So, I took the day off. I put the book away and moved on with my day (which was busy). I even spent about an hour reading about why the Weight Watchers CEO decided to change the plan back in 2010… still think it was rather stupid. I think I was trying to find an excuse to go back to Weight Watchers, but I know in my heart that the new program doesn’t work for me. I know where I’ll end up as I’ve tried it numerous times since the end of 2010. Everytime I end up hacked that I’m spending so much time tracking every blasted bite I eat only to stay the same weight. I didn’t rejoin weight watchers but I sure thought about it. Reading the article did help because I didn’t agree with the reasons for the changes and it revealed exactly why I already knew it didn’t work for me.

I guess I could (probably should) be upset with myself for blowing my boundaries today, but right now I just don’t care. Oh sure, I could say, “God’s grace is sufficient” and it is… but this isn’t about that. This is purely… “I can’t want to… and so I just won’t”.

Hopefully tomorrow will be different.

*Remember, these posts are not “in real time”. The actual date of this post is May 2. So, if you run into me and think “my she looks rather in a good mood for having such a stinky attitude”… this day is already in the past for me. Of course, it could also mean I’m slapping on a smile to hide the frustration lol.

Essential Oils: Depression and Anxiety (part 2)

In my last post, I gave you a bit of background on my struggle with depression/anxiety. I also mentioned that I’ve decided to try Young Living’s Essential Oils as a treatment option. Do I believe EOs have “power”? Well, plants do put off energy and many of them have healing properties. If you want to call this “power”, be my guest. I choose to believe that God has the power and can use the plants to administer it.

So, that being said, I searched online for an EO cocktail for depression and anxiety. I found this posted message. Immediately I ordered the two oils I didn’t already have (Harmony & White Angelica). I often include prayer as I apply oils. It might be something as simple as, “Lord, please make me more aware of your presence” (when applying Frankincense EO). Or “let this fight off the infection” when applying Thieves. I wholeheartedly believe the notion that “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he“. When I take in oils, I want to associate them with words, beliefs, and convictions that will benefit and not harm. God tells us to think about “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy”. (Philippians 4:8He created us and knows exactly how positive and negative thoughts impact us.

I’m going to give the recipe mentioned above, along with some of the things I pray as I apply them. I don’t quote this verbatim like some ritual. In fact, it’s different every day because it’s a conversation with God, but this will give you the jist.

– place one drop on your wrist and then rub both wrists together

Lord, help me be strong and courageous today. Help me turn all fear and dismay over to You. Make me aware that You are with me always. (Joshua 1:9)

– place one drop in your right hand and rub over your solar plexus

Lord, bring my hormones and cells into balance. Help me to live in harmony with myself and others. (Romans 12:16-17) Allow Your peace to guard my heart and my mind. (Philippians 4:7)

– place one drop in your right hand and rub over your heart

Lord, remove any grief or depression. Remind me that the joy of the Lord is my strength and my stronghold. (Nehemiah 8:10) Bestow on me a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning,and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah 61:1-3)

– place one drop in your hand, rub hands together, and brush down your body (head to toe).

Lord, please protect my mind, body, and spirit (Psalm 91:11). Help me put on Your full armour that I may resist, stand, and fight. (Ephesians 6:10-18)

I guess that about sums it up. That’s how I apply prayer, scripture, and essential oils to this battle with depression and anxiety. I’ve been doing this for a couple of weeks now and I can tell a difference. Before I got the other two oils, I was already using Valor and Joy to combat these feelings and thought processes. I think the combo is more effective.


If you decide to sign up with Young Living because of this post, please consider listing me as your Sponsor/Enroller. My ID is 1967271. Becoming a member allows you to order these EOs at wholesale prices.


Essential Oils: Depression and Anxiety (part 1)

Years ago I ended up on a very low dose of Zoloft for a period of time. It was after the birth of our fourth child (third living at the time). I’m sure it was largely hormonal (post-partum), but I think the darkness had been building for a while. I had the habit of internalizing things rather than processing them out loud. When I tried to share what was going on in my head, it usually wasn’t received well. They thought I was crazy or too sensitive or unjustified. So, I buried my feelings deep down because that just seemed easier than coping with what I felt – or people’s reaction to those feelings.

After the death of my son, it became more difficult to hide any feelings at all. I kept fighting to keep it down, but post-partum hormones let it all loose for a while. Those days on Zoloft I remember feeling like my mind finally took a break. I still wasn’t sharing how I felt, but at least the feelings weren’t bothering me. Eventually I weaned off the drug and gradually went back to “controlling” my emotions on my own.

Well, a large part of controlling or dealing with my emotions was the use of food (restricting or binging). From an early age, I learned that food was the one thing I could control. I could refuse to eat. As I had learned from the dieters in my life, eating less was praiseworthy because it meant you had self-control. I also learned that food was reliable. Chocolate would always taste like chocolate when everything else seemed like a mess. There were days when chocolate milk and a chocolate chip cookie was what I ate that day. Unfortunately, my emotional graveyard became so intertwined with food over the years that addressing either issue would unearth serious mood swings. Most professional dieters will understand what I’m talking about here. Ever snap someone’s head off because you were hungry? Eating… or not eating… became an emotional event when I was 11/12 years old. It began with the emotion of fear… the fear of being fat. I was a fearful/anxious kid anyway, so this just seemed natural.

I recently began using Young Living’s Essential Oils after attending a class some friends were hosting/leading. I knew they affected my emotions because in the beginning I cried a lot. I had even cried at the end of the class. Then I cried on the drive home. I kept applying the oils though. Soon, the spontaneous crying stopped. I was releasing emotions, which was a good thing for someone so used to bottling them. It was as though the oils broke through the walls. My defenses were down. I also read a fantastic book called, Healing Oils of the Bible, and wanted to pursue this even further.

So, when I decided to address and let go of my long held fears about weight, I knew depression and anxiety would rear their ugly heads once again. I didn’t want to deal with side effects of going back on meds if things could be resolved through natural methods. Instead, I turned to prayer and scripture with the application of essential oils. So far, this seems to be helping.

If you struggle with depression and/or anxiety, please consult a physician to determine the gravity of your struggle. Sometimes professional help is required, and there is absolutely no shame in that.

In my next post, I’ll give the essential oil regimen I’m using for my mild depression/anxiety. Until then, feel free to read up on the benefits of EOs.