from beneath the waves

jesusonwater1

Well, I honestly thought I was ready to move to another set of boundaries, apparently not. The “diet mentality” noise in my head reached deafening volumes about two weeks into the boundary shift. I know it had everything to do with eyes of my heart shifting from relying on the Lord to relying on the diet. I stepped out of the boat to walk on water with Jesus, but as we know, humans can’t walk on water in their own strength.

As soon as my inflated ego got in the way, I began to sink. Over analyzing every little thing I ate returned along with feeling the weight of taking back the responsibility of making my own transformation happen. It seemed all I thought about was food and exercise and weight.

Then, I broke the boundary… and broke it again… and again…. and the hours of fruitless research returned. I would find myself googling and reading about all kinds of diet plans, supplements, and exercise programs. Finally, I started through books in my own library that I’ve read over and over.

UGH!

The  noise of “diet mentality” running amuck is horrible and dare I say, torturous! And trying to control my weight and flesh desires is exhausting (and futile). I’m glad I kept up with the practice of renewing my mind but I was so bombarded I felt frozen in my old pattern of behavior.

When I awoke from falling asleep on the sofa after downing an entire bag of snack size Almond Joy, I knew I wasn’t ready for “walking on water” when it came to my food boundaries. Pride is still very much alive in my flesh. I really hate admitting defeat, but I needed to humble myself and cry out to the Lord for help.

Fortunately, on the timeline of my journey, this will be seen as a tiny blip, hardly significant in the realm of damages, but a very significant turning point for me.

One really positive result from this was a re-reading of Lisa Bevere’s You are Not What You Weigh and Sharon Hersh’s The Last Addiction (which I’m still in the middle of). Ironically, reading them again, I came away with an entirely different message which has dropped another layer of scales from my eyes and shifted my focus even more intently to the Lord. I hope to post more about this soon.

I did return to Weight Watcher points as my boundary line, and much of the diet noise dissipated almost immediately. I still have to renew my mind about keeping my boundaries, but it isn’t like having a screaming banshee in my ear all day long. Obviously, clear boundary lines that allow for “real life” are better for me right now.

If you find yourself slipping beneath the waves, cry out to Jesus and then grasp His waiting hand. Don’t let it go on simply because you feel powerless to change… admitting your powerlessness is pivotal to tapping into the unfathomable power of the Almighty.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NIV)

365 Raw: Day 84 with “Pull”

dog-pulling-leashI’m noticing that the pull of cooked food is less and less as the days pass by. I remember watching a YouTube video of Michael Arnstein, that made me think if I could just make it to 90 days then perhaps the “pull” would lessen. A few short days from that mark, I would say it is absolutely true. The standard American fare is so addicting, it’s no wonder that people keep going back to poor eating habits. The only way to break addictive behavior is to stop feeding that addiction. I think the other draw to SAD food is that we are nutritionally starved in general. Because our bodies believe we are starving, we crave calorie dense foods all the more. And so the cycle continues.

For the most part, I don’t really care what others are eating around me anymore. Eating is no longer the “event” it used to be for me. It’s also no longer one of the things I use to “drown” my sorrows, emotions, or stress. Even television is losing it’s luster. Yes, I watch, but I can get up and leave in the middle of a show, not caring one bit how it ends. I’ve been in much prayer about my television consumption over the years, and I really believe there was a strong link between my former diet and TV.

I was so discouraged a few days ago because I felt like my size had stalled these last couple of weeks. The Husband told me that I needed to trust the process. This led me to think about the positive things that are changing. The diminished pull of SAD foods was one of those things that encouraged me in that moment. I’m not doing this to lose weight, although I hope that will be a positive side effect. I am hopeful that healing will continue to come to my mind, body, and spirit through this journey.

Are you looking to make some changes in 2013? Check out The Journey for more information.

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What I read: Psalm 91; Joshua 1-4

What I ate:

  • 5 oranges, 5 bananas, kale chips, 16 oz fresh OJ, sweet potato “chips”, pickles, AJ

What I did: walked around a mall

Here are the notes I made regarding my symptoms throughout Day 84:

  • slowed digestion (gas, abdominal pain, bloating)
  • headaches
  • puffy hands, feet, and face
  • sinus congestion
  • dry/itchy eyes, skin, and scalp
  • acne
  • aching muscles and muscle spasms
  • foggy brain
  • irritability
  • mood swings
  • blood sugar fluctuations
  • fatigue
  • unable to sleep well
  • unquenchable thirst
  • cravings
  • chest pain
  • cold soreslast one 1/13/2013
  • kidney stones – eliminated when we went vegan Oct 2011
  • tooth pain
  • sensitive teeth