SSMT: verse #6

Howdy Hey, it’s March 15th! That means it’s time for SSMT verse #6! Be sure to read Melanie Toup’s post on the LPM blog today. We chose the same verse as our first verse of the year. Too fun! It’s really cool that this is her seventh year participating with the Siestas.

Ok, so now on to my sixth verse of the year. I think this may be my favorite one so far, but that’s probably only because I’m really focusing on living free from dieting. You’ll see what I mean when you read the verse below.

I hopped online and posted my verse over at LPM. It’s really pretty neat to be joining all of these women in memorizing scripture. It’s like we’re unified in a way without ever knowing one another. Anyway, this is supposed to be a short post, so without further ado, here’s my verse #6:

“Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” ~ Psalm 103:5 (KJV)

I think I could write up an entire sermon on this… I guess I’ll save that for my “deeper with” post later.

Blessings to my fellow Siestas! Praying that we won’t just “eat the seed” of God’s Word, but will allow God to sow it into our lives and reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Also, it appears that LPM now has an SSMT app. Check it out 🙂

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my black belt doesn’t care what size I am

I’ve mentioned out here that I’ve been working toward 1st degree black belt in TaeKwonDo. Well, after years of training and six months as a black belt candidate, I finally made it last month. Yep. I have a gorgeous black belt with my name on it (literally) sitting on my nightstand. Words simply cannot express how fantastic it felt to receive that belt alongside three of my kids. I think I had that goofy grin on my face all night.

We prepared for that day and my silly little obsessive thoughts about size/body image/weight almost robbed me of enjoying it. In the past I would be rather moody about going to public events feeling fat (even when I wasn’t overweight). Well, this was no different. I had to keep reminding myself that it didn’t matter what size I was, I should be proud of this accomplishment, and enjoy the celebration. You see, I had pictured how I wanted to look when that belt was tied on me. I’m sure it wasn’t a realistic image, but it was an image I’d had in my mind since we decided to go for black belt.

The bad thing about these kinds of imaginations is that so often they aren’t even close to realistic, especially if you have an eating disorder or warped body image. I had to assure myself that even if I had weighed “the perfect number”, I would still have not seen things accurately. I’m reminded of the time I lost over 100 lbs and was in a wedding. I was so small. I thought I would love the photos, but I hated them. I thought I looked fat. I had pictured how I would look in that wedding for months, but alas, I didn’t measure up (at least not in my mind). How sad.

So, I decided to kick those thoughts to the curb for this event. And you know what? I believe I had more fun. I was less worried about my appearance and more focused on the experience. My new black belt doesn’t care if I’m a size 9 or a 99. All it cares about is that I smashed those boards, worked those nunchucks, and learned that curriculum. Writing the required paper didn’t need a certain scale reading. Memorizing Korean terminology didn’t hinge on the size of my jeans. In fact, focusing so much time and energy on meaningless things like scales (food and people), sizes, calories, carbs, and diet plans hasn’t earned me anything beneficial.

It makes far more sense to spend something as valuable (and fleeting) as time on things that actually matter… and well, what size black belt uniform I wear, isn’t one of those things.

letting go

Yes, if you know me, you know I really dislike the Frozen song, “Let it go”. Today though, today I heard Demi Lovato’s version and I rather liked it. No, I’m not going to break down the lyrics here and give some kind of profound teaching moment, but I am going to talk about “letting go”.

I’ve been in this long process of letting go for over two years now. I’ve been side-tracked by the lure of diets, which I know don’t work. I got sucked back into scale watching and food weighing/restricting. Why? Because after you let go, you freefall for a bit and I panicked. When you give up dieting, there is always someone ready and waiting to “help the lost” take it right up again. Everywhere you turn, someone is losing weight (or wishing they could). Everywhere you turn there is a new study, a new diet, a new workout regime. Everywhere you turn, there are images to measure yourself against. Everywhere. And even since that post over two years ago, I’ve been one of those talking about diets and weight loss… and I’m so sorry. I woke up the other day (after another go at WW) and thought, “what on earth am I doing?! I’m miserable!”

How many women do you know who are truly comfortable in their own skin? Are you holding up one hand to count? Yeah, me too.

I’m tired of fighting against my body’s natural instincts to control something (weight) that society says needs controlling. My weight isn’t a moral issue. Eating chocolate isn’t a sin. And yet, there is so much guilt surrounding food and body image, it’s a wonder many of us can even somewhat function in society. We turn the desire to be a certain way into an idol that we bow to with our personal food laws and scales. We’re afraid we’ll be struck by lightening (fat) if we do one thing “wrong” or that people will cast judgment on us for not dutifully eating tiny amounts, counting calories, or working out like a crazy person. And if you’re already overweight – good heavens! We label food as “good” or “bad” as though it has the power to condemn us to hell or at the least convict us of some wrong-doing. The more rules I place on my eating, the more apt I am to break them. Before I know it, I’m trapped under impossible ideals, screaming to be let out. This is what I do to myself with dieting and scale watching.

The solution? Let it go. There, I said it. Let it go. Oh gosh, I sang it that time.

  • I need to accept that what the scale says, does not define me. Let it go.
  • What people think when they see me eat a piece of cake, does not matter. Let it go.
  • If I don’t feel like eating greens, it’s ok. Let it go.
  • If I really want to eat french fries all day, the world will not end. Let it go.
  • If the kids eat all my peanut butter cups, I can buy more. Let it go.
  • If nothing in my closet fits, it’s time to go shopping. Let it go.
  • If I am obese for the rest of my life, I can still die happy. Let it go.
  • If I spend my life wishing for things to be different, I will have wasted it. Let it go.

Yeah, it’s time to let go of some things. It’s time to live right here, right now.

Letting.Go.Freefall…

progress, I think so

I had a “moment” yesterday. It was one of those moments that had me thinking, “my goodness, that’s not my normal response.” A sweet woman I know, told me that she’s lost 12 pounds doing Weight Watchers… and I congratulated her. Ok, so maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it is because not only did I congratulate her with my words, I didn’t harbor jealousy over her announcement. The pre-no-dieting me would say, “I’m so happy for you”, while in my heart, it would set off a mess of obsessive thoughts about how I wish I was losing weight too. It’s not that I wouldn’t be happy for her, because truly I would be, but I would also be jealous, competitive, and thinking about what I needed to do to achieve the same results… or better. I didn’t feel any of that. Wow.

Progress? I think so.

 

shut-up!!!

Oh the trouble we would get in if we said, “shut-up” when I was a kid. Don’t tell my mom, but today that’s exactly what I told my mind to do. Quite frankly, I’m a bit tired of all of the enemy’s accusations. If I’m resting, then I feel guilty that I’m not busy doing something… anything. If I’m busy, I feel guilty that something is being missed. And God forbid I do something that might actually be beneficial for me personally – then I’m accused of being selfish or vain.

I began to ask myself some questions today. Why, after a workout, do I tend to pick it apart, pointing out all of the ways I wasn’t perfect? Why do I associate exercise almost entirely with losing weight… or as a way to punish myself for overeating or eating the “wrong” things? Why do I suddenly start thinking about how much weight I need to lose? Why can’t I eat something that will actually benefit my body without associating it with dieting? Why can’t it just be about taking care of and nourishing my body? Why? Well, I know why, because taking care of myself has never been a priority – it’s always been about “fixing” what’s wrong… which of course becomes an obsession… an addiction even. So, I run the cycle of punishment (dieting, over exercising) and numbing false “escape” (binging, crashing).

Enough! “Shut-up!”

I’ll leave you with a couple of songs from my playlist during today’s run…
The Safest Place by Thousand Foot Krutch
Inhuman by Thousand Foot Krutch

work hard today

“Everyone works hard when they want to, when they get quick results, when it’s convenient to put forth effort. The best work hard when they don’t want to, when it’s inconvenient to give it that little extra effort… and that extra effort might be just what they need to place them on top.” ~ Peter Vidmar, USA, Two-time Olympic gold medalist (1984)

 

I printed this quote for my daughter many months ago… and then it got lost in the chaos of my office. I found it when I began cleaning that room. Instead of giving it to the 12 year old, I pinned it to the cork board on the wall in front of my desk. It caught my eye today when I was trying to rationalize myself out of working on our Fall lesson plans. Ugh. Guilt.

There are so many other things I would rather work on. However, I know that if I don’t get this done, I’ll feel more stressed later. I’ll sacrifice something at some point; so, why not get it taken care of now, while I’m in a bit more control of what gets sacrificed. Prepping an entire school year for four kids does not yield quick results. I still have several weeks of work ahead of me, but I’m hopeful that the work will pay off in the long run.

Even though I really, really, really don’t want to… I intend to work hard today.

“Never put off tomorrow what you can do today” ~ Thomas Jefferson

Fast Forward a Couple of Months

I’ve been on quite the journey since my last post.  I think I’ve fully recovered from the concussion and even participated in a 10K.  On October 4th the Husband and I decided to completely alter our dietary practices after watching the documentary, Forks Over Knives.  We began moving toward a Vegan lifestyle, and by October 9th, all animal byproducts were out of our diet.  We have been eating this way for just over two months.

I’ve lost a little weight but not enough to get excited about.  My body is going through a transition period.  I wish it would respond as quickly as the Husband’s seems to be.  I guess this is part of the price I pay for all those years of dieting.  I’ve been reading about raw food lately too and leaning more in that direction.  I just began following the advice of Alison Andrews to not limit calories.  I am confident I’ve gained a few pounds since I started trying to increase my food intake.  She says that’s normal for former starve/binge dieters and that things should go the other direction.  I’m considering trying this “raw, high fruit” thing for thirty days straight.  No supplements, no processed or cooked foods.  I wonder what would happen?  I can’t afford to go have my blood drawn and a battery of tests run.  So what could I track?  Would I see any noticeable change in thirty days without those tests?

Hmm, I think I could begin on Friday.  I would like to put myself through a fitness test first (I could do that tomorrow) so I can compare the results at the end of thirty days.  Tomorrow I’ll post more details, must go brainstorm about this a bit.