thin within: backlash

thinwithin

Well, do you know what happens when you stomp your foot and say “No”, and then listen to all the lies to justify your behavior?

Um, I do.

For starters, you end up going two days without working on your Bible study. You end up with two days of crazy, last supper style, eating. You end up feeling utterly wretched and fatter than ever.

And do you know why?

Because I left the lies unchecked. I let them take root, I acted upon the lies, and then do you know what the enemy did?

Um, I do.

He turned around and used my actions to beat me with the club of condemnation. It sounds something like this:

“How on earth could you screw up like that?”

“See, I told you that you didn’t have any self-control.”

“Obviously God is no help.”

“Um, did you say you were set free? I don’t see it.”

“Now you’re fatter than when you began.”

“You fell for it, you’re such a failure.” (add a sinister laugh)

“Hmm, Eagle? I think not. Looks like a chicken to me.”

“Ha ha, now you have to post… again… that you are a big fat loser!”

Suddenly I had those horrible feelings you get when you blow a diet… only I’m not on a diet. I felt more and more hopeless as the day wore on…. and I ate to “soothe”. I was in full-blown “I deserve a donut” lie mode. By the end of the day I felt miserable physically and emotionally.

And then another silly mistake I had recently made was brought to my attention. It was a mistake that, while seemingly minor, upset some people – and rightly so…. which added:

“You just can’t do anything right.”

Ugh. Even as I type this, I really feel like crying. I know they are all lies but I feel so weighed down… depressed… but there is hope.

Maybe I didn’t do my Thin Within study today, but I did make myself go to my daughter’s piano recital despite wanting to hide my body from the world. I’m glad I went, she played beautifully.

Yeah, I didn’t do the TW study, but when I got home from the recital, I did get out my copy of Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word. I opened it and the page before me was the chapter on “Food Related Strongholds”. Every chapter in this book is amazing, but this is the one I needed today, not because it was about “food” per say (because she says very little about food), but because of this:

Obedience to God is not some diet we suddenly blow. It is something to which we recommit every single day, no matter how we blew it the day before. Victorious living is not an instant arrival. It is the pursuit of one victorious day at a time until the sun sets on enough to begin forming victorious habits. ~ Praying God’s Word, pg. 152

I had to let that sink in for a moment. “Obedience to God”… this isn’t about the food (as I’ve said over and over). This isn’t even about “0-5” eating. This is about obeying God and walking in His will.

I cannot undo the past two days, but I can “recommit” in this moment. I prayed some of the scripture prayers Beth includes, and then I didn’t eat again the rest of the night. Not because I was being “noble” or “good” or even as a form of punishing myself for overindulging. No, I didn’t eat because doing so would have broken boundaries I agreed to live within. I didn’t eat because I wasn’t hungry. I decided to accept God’s grace and tear back down the “high places” I’d let begin reconstruction in my mind.

I’m taking back up my hammer… and my Sword.

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2 thoughts on “thin within: backlash

  1. (((hugs))) Been there, done that. You’re not alone, but you’re also not a loser. You are learning, that’s all. Keep your chin up – I’m pulling for you!

    • Thank you for the encouragement, Jill. That was a rough day for sure. Some days are going to be better than others. I’m not giving up.

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