Still in pain, but we press on. This morning the husband and I went for a walk. That was nice. I’m not too sore from yesterday’s jogging so that’s good. My knee was a bit swollen though.

So, we’re on the final third of the book. Goodness, the time has flown. Let’s get to it.

Day Twenty-One

I decided to change my color scheme for this last section to purple and blue. Blue, of course, is my favorite color, but purple reminds me of royalty and since I’m trying to think like a princess child of God… I thought it was appropriate.

So, in previewing this lesson, I knew it was going to be one I wasn’t in the mood for. Stress is rather high right now as we try to wrap up the end of our school year. In a couple of weeks I’ll likely feel like a new woman, but right now, this is definitely a more difficult time to focus on this stuff.

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. ~ Malachi 4:2

Um, yeah, I’d like to do some leaping. I actually picture my dog trying so hard to wait patiently for us to open the gate to the dog park. He’s sitting, but squirming and whining. He looks up at us like, “Now, can I go now.” But we make him wait. Just when he thinks we’re not going to open the gate, we do. The moment that chain clinks and we say, “OK” – he bolts through the doorway toward his version of sweet freedom.

I need that healing too. Sure, some things are improved, but there seems to still be so much clouding my mind. I don’t exactly feel “victorious from the clouds of desert dust”, but I am certainly more hopeful than I’ve been in a while.

So, the whole section on “the impostor” was super hard to read. Yes, I’ll admit, I don’t air all my dirty laundry, flaws, mistakes for the whole world to see. I can most certainly relate to this quote by Brennan Manning:

The impostor is attentive to the size, shape, and color of the bandages that veil my nothingness. The false self persuades me to be preoccupied with my weight [yikes]. If I binge… and the scale signals distress the following morning, I am crestfallen. A beautiful day of sunshine beckons, but for the self-absorbed impostor, the bloom is off the rose. [Oh dear Jesus, can we say “ouch”] The minor vanities kidnap my attention away from the indwelling God and temporarily rob me of the joy of God’s Holy Spirit. [been there, but the next part is the final slap] Yet the false self rationalizes my preoccupation with my waistline and overall appearance and whispers, “A fat, sloppy image will diminish your credibility in ministry.” Cunning.

Um, that was terribly convicting. I think all of us conceal our real selves on some level. I think we, as dieters have definitely been duped into putting far too much importance on our “waistline and overall appearance”. So, we put up the front of “I’m on a diet, I’m doing something about this at least.” When dieting isn’t the answer… it isn’t the “cure”. We’re so afraid someone will think us “ugly” if we’re “real”.

You can never be ugly when you are real, “except to people who don’t understand.” ~ Thin Within (p. 225)

I really don’t think I have intentionally not been real… most of the time. Sure, there are times when I’m teaching and I have to put on a smile when I really would rather just curl into a ball and sob. I don’t know if that’s hiding the reality or relying on God for the strength to press on through the day. Or maybe the issue is when I’m just pulling myself up by my bootstraps… saying I’m relying on God… and yet still doing it in my own strength. Hmm… let’s stir in a bit more conviction shall we?

Yes, I hate for people to see my mistakes, although I know I’ve made plenty even while typing this blog series. I feel like the Lord keeps humbling me through ridiculous blunders I have made lately. I’ve even begun to wonder if I’m going crazy because I never was one to make silly mistakes. But lately, I’ve made one mistake after another and feeling really foolish that I didn’t catch them. Yeah, I think He’s trying to humble me. You would think three concussions would be enough to get the message across. He hasn’t allowed me to have a broken leg yet (broken toe, yes), but I have been clocked in the head and gotten to “be still and know He is God”. I should probably learn this lesson before I end up with another whack to this thick skull.

Well, that was Day 21 🙂