So, after yesterday’s victories, today didn’t go as well. Which I guess, after today’s topic, it wasn’t a surprise.
Today could have been titled “facing the giants”. I was definitely reminded of how strong a pull my flesh still has on me. I began the day by trying on my “goal from day 3 pants”. The amazing thing was, I was able to not only button them, but zip them too… while standing. They are still way too tight, but going from having a few inches between the button and the buttonhole to being able to close them… in a matter of 15 days, well, that’s pretty amazing.
So, I should have been in a great mood right? Wrong. Those old diet mentality thoughts flooded my mind. All I could think was, “I’m still so far from where I was.” Ugh. I mean it beat me over and over with discontentment. Today felt like a train-wreck.
And then the lesson had us look at significant times/moments in our past… uh oh. I really, really didn’t want to do this exercise. I’ve looked at these things many times before and I really wanted it to all just stay in the past. But alas, I did the exercise. I did not enjoy one moment of it. In fact, as I wrote how the incidents affected my view of God, it was clear that I’m still carrying around some anger and fear. I ended up scrawling a few words in the margin… ok, more than a “few” words. I was seriously upset.
Do you really accept the message that God is head over heals in love with you?” ~ Brennan Manning
Um, I was not feeling this after going through that exercise. I was actually mad. Feelings of “if You love me then why did you allow me to go through that” surfaced. I noted that some of the situations did contribute to the issues I have with food/weight/body image. I also noted that even Jesus begged God to change His mind about what was to come. God brought beauty out of the horrific treatment of His son… and He allowed that for my benefit and the furthering of His Kingdom. So, I decided to accept that He’s allowed pain in my life for some benefit too.
Then the author talked about the reality that the past has nothing to do with our present-time eating. She says, “Present-time eating is asking your body if it is hungry and eating the foods you enjoy now from 0 to 5 or less”. Sound super simple. It takes the emotion right out of the eating experience.
Speaking of taking the emotion out, I ended up downloading the “I deserve a donut” app for android (they have an iPhone version too for all you apple lovers). I got the book a couple of days ago after seeing it mentioned in regard to Thin Within. This is a fantastic tool!! It’s basically a reference manual for dealing with non-hunger eating. If you went through my “hunger unmasked” series then you will understand just how helpful a tool like this can be. I used it a couple of times today, otherwise I am certain my chart would have looked a lot worse.
The LORD uphold all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you , and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his was and loving toward all he has made. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. ~ Psalm 145:14-18 (NIV)