Christmas Vacation is most definitely not my most favorite Christmas movie, but when I thought about a recent breakthrough I had, all I could hear was Cousin Eddie saying, “It’s just a real nice surprise, Clark”.
A couple of days ago, I was sitting in my office and realized I hadn’t thought about food for a few hours. Then, when I did think about it, I was surprised I wasn’t obsessed with it. I only gave it a moment, thought, “why am I thinking about food?” Realized it was probably because I was hungry, so I got a snack and moved on… and no, I didn’t choose the oreos or chocolate in the pantry… or even the pint of my favorite vegan ice-cream I’ve had in the freezer for about a week now. I honestly don’t remember what I chose, but I know it was none of those and I know it was a non-event. Just eat and move on. This is just a glimmer of hope in the midst of my chaos right now.
I’ve also noticed that I’ve stopped just polishing off stuff when I do start eating… well, at least not every time anyway (nobody’s perfect). Another thing I realized is that I’m a pickier eater than I thought I was. One of the kids made veggie burgers and french fries for dinner. I painstakingly picked the fries off the cooking stone that looked appealing. I would guess there were maybe 10 (most of them small pieces). I also left off the “bun” because I don’t really like sandwich thins all that much. I think I’m really beginning to trust that I can eat whatever I want, which also means I don’t have to eat stuff I don’t like just because it’s there. Yesterday I left behind pizza crust simply because I didn’t want to eat that part. I know I can have pizza again, so there’s no need to shovel every last bit in my mouth out of some fear that this is “last time” eating (we’ll talk about that soon). When I stop thinking there are “good” or “bad” foods, when I stop restricting, then it takes the power back from food. I don’t eat or not eat out of guilt. Then food loses its pull. Sure, I’m also dealing with emotional stuff at the root of these issues, but that seems to surfaces as a by-product of just trusting myself around food again.
I really hope there are more “real nice surprises” to come.