It’s been over a month since I posted out here last. I’ve been rather immersed in living life, but I’ve also felt a bit possessive of the work God has been doing in me. Part of me was afraid that if I said it aloud, it would vanish somehow. Part of me simply enjoyed the secretive nature of my conversations with God. I didn’t even want to share it with the Husband for a while. If you know me, and the relationship I have with the Husband, you know this is the complete opposite of “normal”. He usually knows everything I’m thinking… because, well, I tell him. I finally said, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I feel much more calm lately.” He said he had noticed. Most people wouldn’t have a clue that I wasn’t calm because I’m quite good at hiding my real emotions, but he knows me better than anyone. He can sense it. I guess it has something to do with “the two shall become one flesh”.
Taking the negative and obsessive thoughts captive to Christ is an exhausting task in the beginning. While it’s gotten easier, I still battle those thoughts daily. I may never be rid of those thoughts entirely, but if that’s how God chooses to keep pride at bay, to keep me clinging to His hand for stability and sanity, so be it. Over the past month, He’s led me to one revelation after another. After dealing with the sin aspect of this bondage, He turned me to specific pages in Lisa Bevere’s book, You Are Not What You Weigh. One quote in particular resonated. She said, “we need to know the truth with a deeper intimacy and to a greater degree than we’ve known the lie… for only truth stops the progression of lies.”
I’ve heard it said that if you tell a lie long enough, people will eventually accept it as truth. This concept has been attributed to Adolf Hitler and Joseph Goebbel (as well as a few others). Although the actual verbiage and even it’s originator is debated, it’s obvious that these men used this idea to accomplish great destruction. Since Satan is described in the Bible as the “father of lies”, I’m guessing it really originated with him. Just start with the garden of Eden.
Human beings have the unique ability to choose what they will believe and convince themselves that it is fact. Often times, we are most willing to believe what suits us and our own agendas. Recognizing actual lies isn’t always easy, but if we know Truth, this changes everything. The lies become obvious. In response to Bevere’s insight, I decided to pour God’s Truth, from His Word, into my heart and mind. I’ve been praying and writing scripture prayers. These are scriptures that tell me how God views me. They affirm God’s position, His love, His truth. When I think of how utterly convinced I was, in my mind, that what I weighed, looked like, and my image was so important, I know it was held with a fierce, deep intimacy. It was tattooed upon my very soul. I served it, I preached it, I lived it… and ultimately it turned on me and condemned me and taunted me.
At the root of what at first appears to be the issue (weight, body image… etc), is the true lie. It’s what Sharon A. Hersh calls, “the last addiction.” What is the last addiction? It’s “self-help”. Trying to “fix yourself, by yourself”. The sin? Pride and not actively believing “God can do what He says He can do” (Believing God by Beth Moore). Instead, I deeply believed that I just needed to try harder, be more determined. I could “fix” my weight. I could make myself follow a diet. I could make myself workout more. Even though I claimed that I needed to “rely on the Lord”, I would inevitably end up running full force toward “self-help”. Determination, resolution, willpower… and then pride… “look what I accomplished”… then the fall… failure, guilt, defeat, anger. This is my “self-help” cycle, starting over and over and over. This was the identity I was most comfortable with. This was me, not just what I did, but who I was at my very core. I told the Husband that I’ve been so used to being the “weight-loss” girl, that I don’t know who God intends me to be anymore. I’ve been so wrapped up in the identity of “self-help”, that to be anything else seems foreign.
I’m going after those lies with a vengeance though, but not remotely in the way I would tackle something in the past. I no longer want to be a “self-help” guru. I’m allowing my Savior to demolish them by putting on the FULL armor of God.