Do you know what “it” to which I refer? I wonder what kinds of things came to your mind when that title appeared. For me, it was the lure back to “dieting”. I know from experience that the WW points plus system doesn’t work for me. I know it isn’t their old plan… the one I seemed to thrive on emotionally, and that this plan makes me go crazy feeling like my appetite is out of control. I wanted that year and a half of seeming freedom from the barrage of thoughts of dieting and weight-loss. This doesn’t even mention the utter frustration at the scale not moving. So then I scream at the eTools app on my phone… “why on earth would I spend so much time tracking what I eat and how much exercise I do IF I’M NOT GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT ON THIS PROGRAM!!!” Yeah, a sane person wouldn’t. So the scale would frustrate me, and we all know what an emotional eater does when she’s frustrated… um, yeah, uh-huh… she eats… and it’s not greens she wants… or anything that’s remotely low in points (which by the way, there is precious little that is low in points on this plan that isn’t a raw vegetables or fruit.) If I’m going to feel like I have to eat plain vegetables all day, I might as well do Dr. Fuhrman’s six week plan again so at least I do lose weight.

Sigh.

So, I cancelled my subscription. More money down the drain. More time and energy wasted on another “diet” attempt. I’m so tired of it all. On the 13th of this month, I determined to start another plan… something… anything that would give me at least the illusion that I was working on getting the weight off. I don’t even remember what my plan was, but I didn’t even make it the full day. I just know that I collapsed in a heap at the end of the difficult day, angry, frustrated… and yet again having mindlessly eaten as a way of escape from the seemingly endless barrage of thoughts of size, weight, body image…

Dear God – will this never end?!

So, I spent the next few days trying to banish those thoughts, trying to eat only when I was truly, physically hungry… and to eat without distractions. Some days were better than others, but every day was wrought with a mental battle… or two… or a hundred. I don’t know anyone who likes to deal with their “stuff”. Things I believed I’d moved past, surfaced with a vengeance. Feelings, emotions… they can be dangerous things. I really tried to dissect why I was doing what I was doing. Why did I feel like I needed comfort? Why, even though I know food doesn’t fix it, do I try that route anyway? There are a great many people in this world with far bigger problems than I. Of course, they probably medicate themselves with other things besides food.

These past days, I’ve been trying to decide what I want to do… or not do. I feel fatter. But my jeans still fit. I feel ugly. But, just yesterday, my husband told me I was beautiful… yes, without being prompted by some pathetic “am I pretty” whine from me. I feel completely out of shape. But I was able to go out and run three miles after having not run in two weeks. I feel out of control. But there are still vegan ice cream (chocolate even) and french fries in the freezer, potato chips in the cabinet, and animal crackers on the shelf.

I hear that it’s possible to overcome food addiction (or whatever my issue really is… diet addiction, body image issues, disordered eating… who knows, and who cares). I just wish I knew some people who had. I wish I could pick their brains and find out what finally clicked for them. You know, I have read the book, The Last Addiction, several times, and there is one painful reality that shakes me every time I read it. The only testimonial in the book who does not achieve lasting freedom from her addiction is the food addict. She’s the only one. There are testimonies of all kinds of harsh addictions, but the food addict, she’s still in the grip of it. I wonder if the alcoholic in the book had to have a glass of wine every day to survive… would the alcoholic be free? Or, I wonder if the heroine addict’s church routinely had heroine pot-lucks after services… would there be freedom in that story? Yeah, I’ve tried going without food, it doesn’t work for long. I know that the actual addiction isn’t the purpose of the book, or the solution offered, but that’s the testimonial I most relate to… and she doesn’t get the prize at the end of the story.

Sure, you can find umpteen million testimonials online of someone who has “lost weight and feels great”. You can even find people who say “my cravings just went away”. But how long does it last? I wonder that every time I see a posting where someone has lost weight and is “so happy now”. A part of me thinks, good for you… and then another part says… enjoy it while it lasts.

I’m going through Lisa Bevere’s book, You Are Not What You Weigh, again. I need some reminding that I will not find what I seek in a “diet”… not now, not ever. I’ve been writing stuff down in a journal, hoping to process some things… but I need a fresh dose of “who am I” from God’s perspective, because I certainly can’t rely on my “feelings” to tell me the truth these days.