so not worth it

By the time we got home last night I was so hungry and irritated that “rational” flew right out the window… and whiny flew in. Nothing sounded good except what the kids were cooking (vegan nachos). One of the potential drawbacks of eating raw is that smells are so much more intense. Good smells are so enticing, and bad smells are so revolting. Well, nacho aroma was in my nose, and that’s all I could think about. In fact, the smell actually tainted the taste of the watermelon the Husband scooped into a bowl for me. The melon was tasteless. After a few bites, I just couldn’t make myself eat anymore of it. Still hungry, I caved for Vegan Nachos… and later, yep, french fries. Hello old binge cycle, it really is not pleasant to see you again. Why the french fries were thrown in was because the small serving of nachos did not satisfy me and certainly did not fill me up. Still hungry… and now feeling like a failure, I sought out a “fix”. I even waited for them to cook! I had 23 minutes to change my mind… and I almost did. But the smell… ooo la la.

Well, that “ooo la la” turned to “eww ugh ugh” when I started in on a second serving of fries. Heartburn. Gag. Headache. Gag. Stomachache. Burp. I gave the plate to the Husband and didn’t eat anymore. The fun continued through the night as I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. I had nightmares, and had to make a middle of the night trip to the bathroom. I woke up feeling so swollen and heavy with my eyes struggling to open. Oh and the thirst! I couldn’t get to water fast enough. I was very glad to be rid of all this while doing 811rv (80/10/10 raw vegan). One evening of poor choices and it’s back. I’m hopeful that it will go away just as quickly.

Yesterday’s devotional from Breaking Free Day by Day, read, “Expect the battle to heat up when you start tearing down the lies in your mind. So be prepared to fight for your freedom with some radical choices.” Yes, I should have made a really radical choice last night, even if that meant eating my watermelon alone in my room, praying, getting in a better frame of mind, and then returning to be with the family.

Today’s devotional read, “Coming out from under the influence of a long-term stronghold can be like coming out from under the long-term influence of a drug. You’ll often find that the magnitude of the stronghold takes a while to fathom.” Don’t I know that’s right?! Initially I thought this stronghold was mostly about food… ha ha ha, so wrong!

Stress, hunger, and emotional turmoil may have won the battle yesterday, but I’m still standing hand in hand with my Savior. It is so not worth it to be standing anywhere else… especially over a plate of french fries.

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2 thoughts on “so not worth it

  1. We’ve recently found sweet potato fries, are those also considered a bad choice for you? I don’t eat white potatoes because they are higher in starch, but I do eat sweet potatoes. Also, I’m sure you have, but just in case you haven’t, I found a delightful recipe for a raw french fry made from jicama. It was actually pretty tasty although crunchy instead of hot & soft. You can cook them, but I’m not sure if that’s an option for you. However, in a pinch cooking & eating them would maybe be a very healthy alternative to a particular food like. I have substitutes for the things I really like…so maybe this would work. Here’s a link to them raw: http://vegetarian.about.com/od/rawfoodsrecipes/r/jicamafries.htm
    And here’s a link to them cooked (you can also grill them):
    http://nutritionandwellnessbytes.blogspot.com/2012/07/foodie-friday-jicama-fries.html

    I haven’t tried them cooked, but I did try them raw and I really liked them.

    Like I said, you may already know about this option…but on the off chance you didn’t, then you may be glad I passed this info on 🙂
    Love you,
    Betsy

  2. I appreciate the ideas, Betsy. We eat sweet potato fries too. I guess in my case though, I’m not looking for a substitute for the food I’m addicted to, because it isn’t entirely about the food itself. It’s about how I relate to the food that I’m tackling. I’ve spent most of my “dieting” life substituting foods (like eating cauliflower “mashed potatoes” lol), and it never solved the issues. I’m taking a different approach this time. It’s taking time, and a journey filled with frustrating moments, but I am definitely making progress on so many levels. Love you too!

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