I guess I’ve been waiting for me to reach this point in my no-dieting journey to better health (mental and physical). Friday night I hit another “low” and I decided that the foods I thought I wanted… the foods I craved… were only serving to keep me in a perpetual state of denial. Much like the alcoholic who escapes to a bottle, I escape to food and television. Those are my drugs and I know how to use them well. I stumbled upon this video of Professor Rozalind Gruben-Graham. I would definitely say that I use food as a coping mechanism. Even as a vegan, you can used food to cope. Just because you’re avoiding animal products, doesn’t necessarily mean your body is properly nourished. Yes, you’re avoiding some harmful stuff by not eating animals or animal by-products, but you can still be malnourished. Take for example that both Twizzlers and diet soda are “vegan”, but certainly not nutritious. Most French Fries are “vegan”, but seriously laden with fat.

So, I decided it was time to get back to the one way of eating that has made me feel like I was thriving rather than merely surviving. That lifestyle goes by several names: 80/10/10rv, high-carb raw vegan, low-fat raw vegan, 811rv…etc. I did a 30 day challenge last year that was unbelievable. It wasn’t easy, and eventually I caved to my old habits. Every attempt after that, I caved rather quickly. Over the last few days I’ve been asking God why I couldn’t seem to make it even 24 hours eating low-fat raw vegan. It came down to several reasons, but the two major ones were addiction and escape. This really angered me as I don’t like to be controlled by anything. I had wrongly believed I was past the bulk of my food addiction because I no longer had a strong craving for sweets. Apparently, I am addicted to any food that makes my digestive tract work so hard that I absolutely must sleep. If I’m asleep, I don’t feel pain (emotional or physical). When I’m awake, I take Advil like I’ve got stock in it because I am in physical pain almost constantly.

Saturday morning I woke up and said, “Enough is enough.” Those cooked, fatty, and starchy foods are not serving me, I am serving them. They make me hurt. They make my stomach bloat. They make my body store fat. They rob me of energy. They throw off my hormones. They give me mood swings. They give me acne. They prevent me from healing. They make me sick. They prevent me from dealing with myself and pain. They prevent me from seeking Truth. They rob me of sleep. They steal my athletic ability. They make me prone to injury. They have been in a place of worship for too long. Anything that sets itself up against the knowledge of God is an idol, and must be taken captive.

Yesterday, I ate 100% low-fat raw vegan. Did I feel good? No. In fact, I felt horrific. I wanted to give in so bad, but I knew it would only be a temporary “fix”. My head pounded. I felt nauseous. Pain radiated throughout my body, but I kept eating raw fruit. I struggled to look “human” at my daughter’s play performance last night. I sneaked in some raw cherry tomatoes and ate those. It didn’t help. I didn’t sleep well at all. It was a rough 24 hours, but all of the discomfort has lessened some this morning. My stomach is already significantly flatter. I know that each day I should feel better and better. Even with as much pain as I am in, I haven’t taken Advil. I’m allowing myself to “feel” the pain. I’m using it to prompt me to pray right now. I told the husband that I’m also trying to make myself “feel” emotions. Yesterday he noticed that something was wrong and started asking me questions that would make me talk it out. That helped immensely.

We live in such an age of pill popping, drink guzzling, food chowing, and shallow entertainment that it is no wonder so many of us walk around in such a state of denial, blinded from the Truth. I want to be of clear and sound mind. I want to be able to rely fully on the Lord, while fully living the life He’s granted me.