I think I’ve stopped gaining weight since jumping off the “diet-go-round”, but I really don’t know because I also stopped looking at the scale. There is something a tad unsettling about not knowing, especially for a gal who has weighed herself at least weekly for decades. Most of my clothes no longer fit, but that isn’t a surprise. Thankfully, the clothes I can get into aren’t getting any tighter. This is why I think the scale has stopped moving up. Admittedly, I don’t like being bigger… at all. What I do like is not obsessing about food or the scale.

The things that bother me the most about the gain is my current wardrobe and my decreased fitness level. I’m trusting that the weight will come off, but the interim time where my clothes are frumpy and moving my bod hurts… well, I’m not loving it.

I’m thinking more and more in terms of using food for fuel, which alters my choices most of the time now. Of course, there are other times when I have one of my “health food panics” where my brain suddenly freaks out thinking that I can never have junk food again. Talking myself out of the pantry (or the drive-thru) in those moments is still really difficult. It’s as though part of me just does not want rational discussion, it just wants to listen to the accusation that I’m dieting or convince me that I will always have this issue so why fight it… or prompt me to eat junk simply to prove I’m not dieting in the hopes that I’ll feel guilty afterward (proving that I’m still in diet-mode) and start the cycle all over again.

The latter simply isn’t working though. I don’t feel guilty if I eat junk, I just move on. I wish I could say that I don’t sometimes choose junk simply to prove to myself that I’m not dieting… but that does happen. Eventually, I hope I can shut up those thoughts entirely, but for now, I’m still caving to them at times.

So, while I may be clueless about what I weigh, I know my mind is in a far better place than it was. I’ll just keep moving through the process. Praise the Lord!