It’s been about a month since I stopped dieting. This last month has been filled with highs and lows. Yesterday I hit my lowest point. Like what I imagine the Psalmist might describe as “the valley of the shadow of death”. I’ve been fighting off some depression the last couple of days. I woke Sunday morning in physical and emotional pain. I just lay there while the rest of the family got ready for church. It took me a bit to begin getting ready too. I didn’t want to. I was on the verge of tears, but I really didn’t want to cry either. So, I tried to stuff it all down… again, and pull myself together for another day that I just didn’t want to participate in. The chorus of Monster by Skillet played over and over in my head.
As I stood in church during worship, the physical pain increased and my left foot began to go numb. I whispered to the Husband how I was feeling (I almost told him, “I want to go home.”) He suggested that I sit down, so I did. I bowed my head on the back of the seat in front of me. It felt like I was being tormented. I began to rebuke the enemy in the name of Christ. The pain started to subside, and feeling returned to my foot. Although I was feeling better physically, the floodgates were opening. I tried so hard to hold it in. I guess I wasn’t doing a very good job of “acting normal” because a friend asked if I was “ok”. I was caught off guard. I don’t remember what answer I gave, but I know it was uncharacteristic. My eyes began to water. I tried to shove back the tears and really could not wait to get out of there. I hadn’t even closed the door to the van before I stared bawling. My kids were confused. My husband was alarmed.
I cried the entire drive home. The kids went inside to fix lunch while the Husband and I sat in the van. It all came pouring out. I could hear myself saying things I had never voiced… ever. So much pain. Then the anger, and who was I mad at? God. Sigh. I questioned His role as “protector”. Then, my Husband in his wisdom pointed out the apostles and disciples that our pastor spoke of that morning. He said it might have seemed to them at times that God wasn’t there to protect them either. He said that God has a purpose for what He allows and we just have to trust Him no matter what. I knew all of this, but I really needed it said… and I needed my Husband to lead me in that way.
I was able to breathe again. I was able to see Truth again. The dark cloud lifted. I can relate so well to the words of Psalm 42, but I will trust in the Most High. During my run this morning, the song below came on (I set my iPod to “random”)…. enjoy!
It’s You by Fireflight
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4 KJV