Oh the trouble we would get in if we said, “shut-up” when I was a kid. Don’t tell my mom, but today that’s exactly what I told my mind to do. Quite frankly, I’m a bit tired of all of the enemy’s accusations. If I’m resting, then I feel guilty that I’m not busy doing something… anything. If I’m busy, I feel guilty that something is being missed. And God forbid I do something that might actually be beneficial for me personally – then I’m accused of being selfish or vain.
I began to ask myself some questions today. Why, after a workout, do I tend to pick it apart, pointing out all of the ways I wasn’t perfect? Why do I associate exercise almost entirely with losing weight… or as a way to punish myself for overeating or eating the “wrong” things? Why do I suddenly start thinking about how much weight I need to lose? Why can’t I eat something that will actually benefit my body without associating it with dieting? Why can’t it just be about taking care of and nourishing my body? Why? Well, I know why, because taking care of myself has never been a priority – it’s always been about “fixing” what’s wrong… which of course becomes an obsession… an addiction even. So, I run the cycle of punishment (dieting, over exercising) and numbing false “escape” (binging, crashing).