a journey, not a destination

I’ve been recovering for the past 42 hours from a concussion.  It’s bizarre the thought process that your mind takes when you have so much time to sleep and think.  I felt a bit obsessed with trying to figure out exactly why I sustained a blow to the head and how on earth I was blindsided.  I replayed it over and over trying to figure out how I could have prevented the accident.  Utter futility.  Sometime yesterday I decided that it simply didn’t matter.  I have an injury that brought all of my plans to a screeching halt.  Apparently that was God’s plan.  So I was faced with what to do during my awake times (I’ve slept a lot during the last, almost, two days).

In the midst of the pain, I remembered where my focus had been the morning of the accident.  I needed some clarity, I needed a word from God on something and He provided it through a book I hadn’t read in years, but discovered in my closet that morning.  I thought the book was totally unrelated to the problem and figured spending a few moments reading it before heading out the door would prove to be a much needed distraction.  I left the house believing that God was going to give me an answer… He did… and more.

The “more” I didn’t expect came after I was literally knocked to the ground.  I kept saying, “I don’t have time for this”.  By all human standards, I was right.  I won’t go into the details of all that we had on the calendar for yesterday… all of which I missed, but I truly believed the ship would sink without me.  Ha!  God knew better, of course.  I’m not saying my family had an easy time managing the schedule, but it was taken care of.  Which left me, alone with my thoughts and a very patient Father.

To be honest, I didn’t want to think about stuff anymore.  I wanted to turn on a movie or TV show and be distracted.  I wanted distraction from the pain, distraction from the strain my injury put on my family, distraction from what I was missing out on, distraction from the heaviness of my heart, distraction from normal life, distraction from responsibilities… you get the picture.  The last thing I was in the mood for was to come face to face with reality.  And so I turned on the television.  My teenage Son stayed with me while the Husband ran to and fro with another kid.  He tried to work on his lessons with Napoleon Dynamite playing in the room (seriously, I did not want to “think” about anything so I picked the most mundane, ridiculous and yet somewhat humorous movie we own.)  When I realized he couldn’t focus, I paused the movie.  The book from the day before came to mind and I remembered that I had placed it in my backpack that morning in the hopes of reading it during our lunch break.  I asked him to retrieve it for me and I began to read where I left off.

I figured that eventually he would need to go to the computer to work and that one of my other kids, who were finished with their lessons for the day, would be sent in to “watch me”.  My Husband gave them strict instructions before he left that I was not to be left alone.  I planned to return to my movie when the “shift change” happened.  God had another plan.  The computer which houses all of our movies, recorded television, netflix…etc decided to suddenly start making a fantastically annoying noise (one of the fans).  My eyes and ears were so sensitive yesterday.  The machine was shut down immediately along with my plans of theatrical escape.  And so, I returned to the book.

I read until my aching, swollen eyes couldn’t take it anymore and I fell asleep.  When I woke up, I read some more.  The Husband came home for a few minutes in there before heading out again for more running to and fro with other kids.  He fixed the computer but by this point, I didn’t want to be distracted anymore.  I wanted to feel the full measure of what God was trying to get across to me through that book.  I’ve gotten most of the way through it and while the things that need addressing are many, one common thread jumps out.

At some point I really hope I adopt the belief system that this is a journey and not a destination.  I’ve approached my food/weight issues (as well as other issues) with a destination in mind, which doesn’t work for very long.  The problem being, that once the perceived destination is reached, I stop working and stop relying on the One who got me there.  The “destination” vanishes like a vapor, a mirage.  I awake in a stupor with a sugar hangover and extra pounds.  I vow to do better, which works for a time, and then the cycle starts all over again.

I have much more I want to write on this topic but my brain needs a rest…  The Husband is filling in for me again today, so I need to be sure I make physical recovery a priority too.

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