a prison indeed

This extra weight is a prison.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  I’ve used it over the years to “insulate” myself from various things.  It’s also been a distraction.  When I reach points like this, I can think of little else without becoming overwhelmed.  Everything in me screams to withdraw.  It stands in the way of what I have felt called to since I was five years old.

In these moments I feel rejected by God.  I could analyze why that is… and in fact have often analyzed that very reasoning derived from my past.  I know why I am the way I am.  I know every comment, every gesture, every action that set this struggle into motion for me.  I’ve delved into the very heart of the progression and have often found myself angry that no one tried to protect me.  In the end, I don’t know why God allows us to go through the things we do.  I would love to ask Him that.  What I do know is that He says He will not reject me.

I will place My residence among you, and I will not reject you.  ~Leviticus 26:11

I would love to say that in this moment I feel “renewed”.  I don’t.  I still feel very low but I’m going to cling to the knowledge that He has not left me.


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