Category Archives: Struggles

On the Raw Side: Week 8

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I knew it had to happen at some point and it did.  Week eight was just “one of those weeks”.  The cravings for salty food were horrible.  I gave in several times to natural tortilla chips and salsa.  Once I even had vegan spring rolls, rice with veggies, and a vegan chocolate chip cookie (had spring rolls again last night despite getting sick from them).  I’ve been praying about what could possibly be the cause of these cravings and I think I have a few possibilities:

  • It’s cold.  Like really cold and snowy.  Raw food isn’t exactly warm.  On Monday afternoon I was struggling to get and stay warm.  I wanted warmer food.
  • I’ve had a slight sore throat and felt really tired much of the week.  I haven’t officially gotten sick but it definitely feels like my body is fighting against something.  Well, what do you want when you’re sick?  Chicken noodle soup (which is typically salty) and ginger ale (also loaded with sodium).  I didn’t have either, but I wanted them.
  • Didn’t get in my workouts early in the week (snow, snow & more snow… and we had a wonderful time with family in town).  I’ve discovered that I absolutely do not like running on the treadmill in my basement, which was to be my back-up plan when it was too snowy outside.
  • Crazy schedule throughout the week.  Things have definitely picked up around here and I’m not sure I like it one bit.  I was also rather stressed over my current writing assignment.  I’m not really sure why except that it was of a personal nature and consumed a lot of my thought processes.
  • Low calorie counts.  I suspect that my calories have been dropping slowly over the last couple of weeks.  When this happens, I typically end up really hungry and that always makes cravings worse.  I’m considering tracking again for a bit to make sure I’m eating adequately.
  • Possibly PMS week.  I’ve made it past day 21 (barely).  So far, no lovely monthly but she could still show early again… I’m hoping to make it to day 28.
  • My sense of smell is soooo strong that the aroma of cooked food literally makes my mouth water.  When the kids were having chili for lunch one day, I just wanted to taste it.  It didn’t taste anywhere near as good as it smelled to me, so I spit it out.
  • My fat intake was higher this week.  I don’t like how I feel after eating overt fats.  I should learn something from this.

With all of this going on, I didn’t weigh or measure on Friday.  I know that I shouldn’t rely on my “feelings” but I was feeling really bloated, really swollen, and really heavy.  No way did I want to step on that scale and see something that might trigger past behaviors (read: “eating disorder”).  So, I’m placing that number in the Lord’s hands.  At one time in my life (for years actually), I was a “weigh every day” kind of gal.  The number would dictate my day.  If it was what I wanted to see, I was happy, if not… grrrr.  Today, I’m not nearly as affected by it;  However, when I begin to feel weak and vulnerable, I immediately stop looking at the number and ask the Lord to get me past this.  The enemy whispered all kinds of “you’re so fat” comments in my ear this week.  I told him to “shut up” because “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  I do not want to fall right back into that pit.  Lord, please help me to walk in freedom!

Did I feel bad after eating cooked food?  Every time, with the exception of a cooked carrot I plucked from the vegetable stock I made.  I was even dry heaving into a trash can in my van the morning after eating that vegan cookie.  I have no desire for a cookie.  I didn’t even want that cookie.  I just wanted to see if it tasted as good as I remembered.  It was good, but not good enough for me to want another one.

I think I’m going to allow hot herbal tea in the coming week to see if this helps with my need for something warm during these winter months.  I’d rather not track every morsel of food that I eat so I’m going to be in prayer about that.  I would like for the Lord to teach me how to eat enough.  I want to rely on Him, not a “tracker”.

So that was week eight.  Not the best week but I’m ok with that.  I’m prayerful that week nine will go much better.

On the Raw Side: Week 6

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What a weird week!  You may be wondering if I ate cooked food on Friday.  The answer is, “Yes.”  The Husband and I went out for dinner.  I had vegan spring rolls, a bagel and organic tortilla chips with organic salsa (picked up and eaten on the way home).  The spring rolls tasted wonderful.  Better than I remembered them in fact.  The bagel, not impressive.  The chips and salsa were good but I really think the salt was the attraction.  The Husband wanted a vegan chocolate chip cookie from Whole Foods.  He thought for sure I would want one since I hadn’t eaten anything like that in five weeks.  I told him I didn’t want a cookie.  I eat sweet stuff all the time, my sweet tooth is satisfied.  I wanted salty, hence the chips and salsa.

Was I glad I ate the cooked food?  The answer to that is slightly more complicated than a simple “yes” or “no”.  I enjoyed the spring rolls, chips and salsa while I was eating them but that’s where the “fun” stopped.  We ended up going home early because my stomach felt bad; but, when we got home, I couldn’t go to the bathroom!  Not good.  I told the Husband that I just wanted to throw up, but I didn’t do that either.  I laid down hoping I would be running to the bathroom to do one of those but instead, I immediately fell asleep.  I was out… I mean really out.  If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought I passed out.  I was like that for twelve hours.  I must not have moved all night even because I woke up in the exact same position I was in when I laid down.

I continued to feel bad the next day (oh my goodness, the gas) and then the lovely monthly shows up.  Awesome.  This means I only got a 22 day cycle.  I felt ripped off.  So, my stomach feels yucky, I’m gassy (not normal for me on raw) and I get to have cramps too – oh goodie!  Not.  Ok, I was mad.  I told God so, too.  I felt justified because of that woman in the Bible who suffered from bleeding.  I really feel for her every time I read that account  Of course, she just touched the hem of Jesus’ garment, she didn’t go to him and say, “You know Jesus, I’m really mad.  I have to deal with this way more often than I should.  Seriously, all I’m asking for is six more days.  Could you just heal me already?”  I’m rather ashamed to admit that this affected my attitude for several days.  I didn’t feel like doing anything that I didn’t have to.

My workouts were fewer than usual and I didn’t get back into an exercise routine until Thursday’s TaeKwonDo class. The scale didn’t move this week. I weighed exactly the same thing as last week.  However, most of my measurements went down.  I lost another 1.2 inches in my waist, hips, right thigh, right arm and right forearm.

Thanks to my bad attitude, cramps, fatigue, gas, breakouts and a very unhappy digestive system, this wasn’t my favorite raw week.  Ironically, this was one of my best hair weeks since I stopped using shampoo six weeks ago.  I received two very sweet comments about my hair; one from a gal who has no idea about the “no poo” and another who does know.  I have taken six weeks worth of photos of my hair’s journey.  I plan to post those soon.

I didn’t eat cooked food again and I don’t plan to any time soon. Bring it on, week seven!

 

Things to Consider…

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…before you embark on a 30 Day Raw Challenge.

Eating RAW has challenges that come with the territory.  It helps to know about them and decide, ahead of time, what you will do when they arise.  Here are some important questions to ask yourself before you begin.

  1. Why are you choosing to eat RAW?  If you don’t have a solid, unchanging answer to this question, then I would strongly suggest that you wait until you do have an answer before making the move.  Also, if you cannot embrace the notion that you are “choosing” to eat this way and are not being forced to, then I would wait.  Eating RAW is not easy (especially in the beginning).  If your “why” isn’t motivating to you, you won’t make it very far.
  2. Are you willing to feel worse before you feel better?  Don’t go into the challenge thinking you are going to suddenly feel like a million bucks and that the feeling will stay with you all 30 days (or however long you’re doing it).  Depending on the lifestyle you’re transitioning from, you could have some really rough days.  It’s possible that they could even outnumber the good days if the your current diet is SAD (Standard American Diet).  You will still have a period of detox, maybe even more than one period of detox, even if you are coming from a cooked vegan diet (this has been the case for me).
  3. What will your RAW diet look like?  This may seem like a weird question but you need some guidelines.  With more and more “RAW” snack foods showing up on the market, you’ll need to know if you plan to incorporate those into your plan.  Will you eat High Fruit or High Fat?  You’ll need to do one or the other in order to get enough calories each day.  What about oil or maple syrup?  The emphasis in question number three is the word, “your”.  This will be your challenge so decide ahead of time what you will choose.  Please don’t begin without a plan.  You can see mine here.
  4. Are you prepared to be the minority?  I am a raw vegan, living with cooked vegans, in a SAD world.  What this means is, I eat differently than most everyone else on the planet, including the people in my own house.  Our society bases social interactions around food all the time.  Most of the time, that food is not RAW.  Unless you plan to lock yourself away for the duration of your challenge, you will encounter this.  Will you be willing to press through and continue with your challenge even when everyone around you is eating __________ (fill in your favorite non-raw fare)?

If you still want to move forward with a RAW challenge, here are some other things to consider, with a few tips tossed in:

  1. Fully rely on God.  You are about to turn your food world upside down and inside out.  I knew there was no way on earth I would do this without God’s help.  The reason each of my daily challenge posts is in the “Brick Removed” category is because God has brought me through the day.  Some days He encourages me with His Word.  Some days He convicts me on my thought processes (you know, the negative ones).  Some days He offers me a shoulder on which to cry, “this is hard.”  You will have plenty of opportunities to take thoughts captive to Christ, to turn difficulties over to Him and to rely on Him for the strength to press on toward the prize.
  2. Detox is not fun.  You will go through some kind of detox.  This could include fatigue, thickening tongue, smelly breath, aches, pains, headaches, nausea, bowel issues, mood swings… just to name a few.  The good news is… it doesn’t last if you press on through it.  The bad news is… it makes it more difficult to want to press through.
  3. Some people won’t understand.  It’s highly likely that there will be people in your life (or in passing) who will think you are crazy.  They may make negative comments.  They may try to tease you with cooked food… or just tease you in general.  Try to brush it off.  Don’t get upset, they just don’t understand… and that’s ok.  They aren’t in the same place on this matter; so, of course they won’t understand.  Don’t expect them to.  It might help to laugh along like “yep, I’m a fruity kind of gal”.  After all, you are what you eat, right?  On the flip-side, you’ll also have people in your life who think you’re a rock star because they, as they will put it, “could never do that.”
  4. Most restaurants don’t cater to RAW foodists.  If you are going out to eat with family/friends, eat plenty of food before you go.  That way you aren’t hungry.  If the restaurant happens to have RAW food, have some – yes, even if you already ate.  It’s not like that dinner salad is going to pack on the pounds.  This is also a good rule of thumb for parties and other social gatherings.  Be pro-active.  Don’t expect them to cater to you, do what you must to stay on target and then celebrate when you find some treasured raw food in these situations.  Or, when appropriate, bring raw food with you to share :)   Maybe you’ll convert some people along the way.
  5. Decide how you’ll respond when people offer you food.  Be positive and upbeat.  If you feel and act like a martyr, this will weaken your resolve to finish out the challenge.  It does get easier the further you go.
  6. Don’t cut calories.  Be prepared to eat a higher volume of food.  The biggest mistake RAW challengers make is to try to “diet” while raw by cutting calories.  If you’re trying to lose weight, up your daily exercise, but make sure you are adequately fueling your body.  Your body will be going through some changes during the challenge and it needs fuel to do that.  If you eat enough then you’ll dramatically cut down on detox times and symptoms.  You might also be surprised by how much you can eat and still lose weight.  I’ve noticed since being RAW that if my body says I’m hungry… I’m hungry.  It isn’t confusing hunger with emotions or thirst like it used to.  Ignoring that hunger (or passing it off as something else) is not going to help you in the long run.  So, eat!
  7. Get an accountability partner.  Find someone who is supportive of what you’re trying to do and check in with them daily.  Also, if you tell people you’re doing a challenge, more than likely they will periodically ask how it’s going.  Sometimes knowing that someone might ask is motivation to stay on course.
  8. Keep a journal.  You can keep track of anything you want.  In my challenge I have been tracking my food, calories, percentages, symptoms, weight, measurements, fitness and how my body is reacting.  Be forewarned though, if you are really pressed for time, it is far more important to plan your meals and focus on eating RAW than it is to write down every little thing.  Tracking and blogging the way that I am during my challenge can take me anywhere from 1-2 hours a day.  I usually wait till the kids are in bed (or getting ready for bed) to log my food notes and work on my daily posts; However, weighing, measuring and photographing food takes time through the day too.  I have days where I wish I hadn’t started the series doing all of that stuff… because quite frankly, sometimes I just want to grab some fruit and not think anything more about it.  Don’t over commit, be realistic about what you can accomplish day to day and focus on that.  Also, rest assured, something will come up to get in the way (sick kids, appointments, flat tire, late work nights, detox symptoms… etc).  Keep it simple.
  9. Attitude is HUGE.  If you find yourself looking at cooked food wishfully, stop yourself.  Look back at your “why” and change your perspective immediately.  Will eating those other foods help you meet your RAW challenge goals (even if the goal is just to finish)?  Probably not.  This is one of those prime opportunities for taking thoughts captive to Christ.  Allow this process to draw you closer to the Lord and you’ll reap even more benefits.
  10. Dump your old view of food.  Sometimes people have a difficult time with RAW because it doesn’t “look like” the food they are used to.  A RAW diet can be so colorful and I even find it quite beautiful.  Still, it takes some getting used to.  Years of eating cooked foods have ingrained us to believe food should look a certain way (and “stick to our ribs” a certain way).  A large bowl of watermelon will never look like a cheeseburger or Grandma’s prize winning chili, it is every bit as filling though.  That doesn’t mean you can’t get into some of the raw gourmet foods (Going Raw is a great book), but I don’t recommend attempting much of this if you’re just doing a 30 day challenge.  Eating differently is a huge adjustment, so keep it simple in the beginning.

Even with all the planning and preparation in the world, things happen.  If you “fall of the wagon”, don’t let it run you over.  Forgive yourself and jump right back on.  Progress, not perfection, will keep you headed in the right direction.  I’ll leave you with a link to a marvelous post I read today by Lysa TerKeurst.  It’s called Thanking My Quitter Voice.  It is a perfect read for those times when “it’s hard” and we just want to give up (if you’re raw or vegan, ignore the part about the chicken salad :) )  Breakthroughs are just around the corner… don’t quit!

30 Days on the Raw Side: Day 16

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This is the sixteenth day of my raw food challenge.  I’m officially over half-way through this challenge!  Got about 8 hours of sleep last night.  Woke up this morning thinking about my first-born son.

The Food

  • Breakfast – 4.25 cups Green Smoothie (12 oz Bananas, 3 oz Blackberries, 3/4 C Coconut Water, 3/4 C Apple Juice, 2.5 oz Spinach, 1.25 oz Kale, 2 oz Red Leaf Lettuce)
  • Morning Snack – 2 Clementines, 1 Banana
  • Lunch – 9.5 oz Grapes, 2 Oranges
  • Afternoon Snack – 1 really large Apple
  • Dinner -  5 cups Green Smoothie (4 oz Kale, 14.5 oz Banana, 6.5 oz Strawberries, 2 cups Apple Juice) with 1 Orange and 2 Strawberries for garnish.
  • Evening Snack – I’m sure I’ll eat something else before bed but I’m not sure what that will be.
  • Water – 40 ounces
  • Calories – 1,976.2 (Carbs 91.7% / Protein 4.9% / Fat 3.3%)
  • Fiber – 58.2 grams!

The Exercise:

  • I really wanted to go to the Y with the family but I wasn’t in the mood to be around other people today.  So, I decided to take the dog for a walk instead (dogs aren’t people – although some of you probably gasped in horror at that statement lol).  The high, frigid winds cut our walk to only 30 minutes, but it felt good to get outside.  My winter coat was in the van and went to the Y with those who wanted to go.  I had to borrow the Boy’s coat and well, a teenage boy’s coat smells way different than a girl’s.

The Results:

  • As of Friday I’ve lost 7.4 lbs and 6.6 inches.  For more information, check out my Week 2 Summary.

The Effects:

  • Yes, I felt really low today.  I won’t apologize for it or feel guilty for it one bit.  Of all the days in the year, this is the one where I should be allowed to feel however I want and do whatever I want.  If I want to be a hermit, I’m a hermit.  If I want to cry all day, I cry all day.  If I want to watch a stupid movie… you get the idea.  I spend the other 365 days of the year focusing on the “positives”, offering a shoulder to other grieving parents and “treasure hunting” the good that has come from my son’s short life.  All year long, I deal with photographs he isn’t in and milestones he’ll never reach.  Most of the time no one else knows that I’m thinking about him.  But on his birth/death day, I won’t hide it and if I feel like pouting and screaming “it’s not fair”… well, I figure God understands… quite literally.  I’m thankful for family and friends who understand that I don’t need for them to try to “make it better”, I just need them to be “ok” with me being whatever I need to be today.  I love that they don’t try to “fix me” but rather give me a hug and say, “I’m so sorry”.  At the top of that list is my wonderful Husband.  He has had compassion and understanding and so much patience over these last fifteen years.  Thank you!
  • In the midst of my “funk” today, I forgot to photograph my breakfast.  However, I opted to have a little fun with dinner.  The girls helped and, I think, secretly hoped they were going to get to drink out of one of those glasses tonight too.

Go to Day 17>>

30 Days on the Raw Side: Day 15

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This is the fifteenth day of my raw food challenge.  Got about 7 hours of sleep last night.  Woke up this morning feeling crampy.

The Food

  • Breakfast – 4.25 cups Green Smoothie (13.5 oz Bananas, 7 oz Berries, 3/4 C Coconut Water, 3/4 C Apple Juice, 2.25 oz Spinach, 3.25 oz Kale)
  • Morning Snack – skipped this meal
  • Lunch – 3.25 oz Kiwi, 1.5 oz Pomegranate, 9.5 oz Banana, 2 Clementines, 2 oz Strawberries
  • Afternoon Snack – 1 Banana, 1 really large Apple
  • Dinner -  Went by King Soopers on our way to Denver.  I got some pre-cut fruit (2.42 lbs Watermelon, Cantaloupe & Honeydew) & 1 Mejool Date.  I did take a picture but with the virus mess I can’t get to the photo that’s on my phone right now.
  • Evening Snack – 0.65 lbs Strawberries & Kiwi, 1 Snakaroon, 1 Grapefruit, 1 Banana  (I was really hungry this evening)
  • Water – 48 ounces
  • Calories – 2,077 (Carbs 86.2% / Protein 5.5% / Fat 8.2%)
  • Fiber – 66.7 grams!

The Exercise:

  • I did a few crunches today but nothing more than that.

The Results:

  • As of Friday I’ve lost 7.4 lbs and 6.6 inches.  For more information, check out my Week 2 Summary.

The Effects:

  • I ended up with a nasty computer virus today – one of those mean ones that brings all computer activity to a halt until you get your machine wiped clean and re-built.  Ugh.  To say this was frustrating, would be an understatement.
  • TMI – thanks to the lovely monthly’s arrival this morning, I officially had a 28 day cycle – woohoo!
  • Cramps and computer viruses didn’t help my mood today.  There’s something about this that made me really want some comfort food last night.  Clearly food is my drug of choice.  Fortunately, it was a fleeting thought.  Yes, I was hungry… and so I ate some more fruit (grapefruit and banana).
  • The Husband and I drove to the Boulder Running Company store to redeem a coupon for free running caps.  He registered us for a half-marathon in May.

Go to Day 16>>

30 Days on the Raw Side: Day 5

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This is the fifth day of my raw food challenge.  Wow, 9 hours of sleep last night was nice.  I feel like my body had a chance to “re-coop” a bit.

The Food

  • Breakfast – 3.25 cups Green Smoothie (2 Bananas, 4.75oz Berries, 1/2 C Coconut Water, 1/2 C Apple Juice, 2.5 oz Kale, 1 oz Spinach)
  • Morning Snack – 1 really large Apple, 1 Banana
  • Lunch – 1 Banana, 2 Oranges, 1 oz Dates
  • Afternoon Snack – 1 Banana
  • Dinner – “Big Salad” (2oz Red Lettuce, 1 oz Chard, 6.5 oz Tomato, 1.5 oz Celery, 1 oz Red Bell Pepper, 2.5 oz Cucumbers, .5 oz Onions, .25 oz Parsley) with Raw Dressing (pureed 2 Clementines, 1oz Mango & Cilantro)
  • Evening Snack – 1 Banana, 16 oz Apple Juice
  • Water – 48 ounces
  • Calories – 1985.6 (Carbs 82.6% / Protein 4.1% / Fat 12.8%)
  • Fiber – 56.6 grams!

The Exercise:

  • I skated for about 30 minutes this morning

The Results:

  • I won’t weigh again until the 23rd.

The Effects:

  • Cooked food smelled soooo good today.  Well, the stew the Husband made last night smelled awesome too.  The smell was enticing but what had me even more interested is how cold it is outside.  A warm bowl of chili or leftover stew sounded so inviting.
  • I got some disappointing news today and saw again, just how much I rely on food to “make it better”.  I wanted a mocha and even whined about it a bit before I finally took my concern to God.
  • It amazes me the amount of fat in just fruit and vegetables.  So, when I added those Snackaroons (which have almonds in them) it pushed me over my target limit of 10%.
  • The “Big Salad” I made was delicious!  The different tastes really popped.  My seven year old liked the dressing so much that she wanted to take the photo, so I let her :)

Go to Day 6>>

really, that’s all?

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Getting in 2,500 raw calories is going to be a challenge all by itself!  I’ve been entering what I’ve eaten so far and at 2pm I haven’t even hit the half-way mark.  In fact, I’m 375 calories away from that mark.  I’m staring at a bowl of salad thinking, “that’s a lot of volume but not a lot of calories.”

I’ve eaten the grapes, cantaloupe, and tomato out of that bowl.  What’s left is a lot of green stuff.  Which is good, of course, but super low calorie.  I might blend it into a smoothie.

Food isn’t the only thing I’m having difficulty getting enough of.  I’m low on my water for the day also.  My plan is to drink 64 ounces and I haven’t even put away 32 so far.  This is proving more difficult than I thought.

 

a junkie moment

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I’m feeling pretty low today.  The seemingly constant fatigue is getting to me.  I really thought I’d be recovered already.  I think how I view everything is tainted right now.  I’m frustrated, irritated and so not in the mood to deal with anything.  I’m in “hermit-mode”.  The only problem is, my schedule doesn’t lend itself to hermit behavior.  So, I must walk among the other humans and pray I don’t take my frustration and irritation out on anyone else.

Chocolate sounds good right about now… which reminds me of a commercial I saw the other day.  I don’t typically watch commercials but as the remote was set out of my reach (I was laid out on the sofa), I just let the commercials play.  This Hershey’s commercial got my attention because it refers to chocolate as “pure joy” and “pure fun”.  This commercial offers up “pure simplicity” and “pure happiness”.  Or how about “pure togetherness” and “pure enjoyment”.  I think we chocoholics believe all of this on some level, otherwise, why turn to it when we feel sad, over worked, chaotic, unhappy, lonely and bored?  Those chocolate people sing “I’ll stop the world and melt with you.”  Isn’t that want we really want?  We want the world to just stop for a moment and let us catch our breath.  Great ad campaign Hershey, this addict wants to run to the store for a fix.  Yeah, chocolate sounds really good right now.

why food addiction is different

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A true friend of a recovering alcoholic wouldn’t ask to meet them at a bar.  Recovering drug addicts aren’t given a big hit of cocaine to celebrate their birthday.

Do you see where I’m going with this?  Food addicts can’t get away from food.  Unlike alcohol or drugs, we need food to live.  We must be around it.  And to add insult to injury, eating is used to celebrate all over the world.

I finished reading The Last Addiction, and the most discouraging chapter was the one about the woman with food addiction.  She’s the only story in the book that didn’t have a “happy ending”.  She gave up.

Food is everywhere.  We can’t eliminate it from our lives.  We need it to live.

Yeah, it’s different alright.

 

a journey, not a destination

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I’ve been recovering for the past 42 hours from a concussion.  It’s bizarre the thought process that your mind takes when you have so much time to sleep and think.  I felt a bit obsessed with trying to figure out exactly why I sustained a blow to the head and how on earth I was blindsided.  I replayed it over and over trying to figure out how I could have prevented the accident.  Utter futility.  Sometime yesterday I decided that it simply didn’t matter.  I have an injury that brought all of my plans to a screeching halt.  Apparently that was God’s plan.  So I was faced with what to do during my awake times (I’ve slept a lot during the last, almost, two days).

In the midst of the pain, I remembered where my focus had been the morning of the accident.  I needed some clarity, I needed a word from God on something and He provided it through a book I hadn’t read in years, but discovered in my closet that morning.  I thought the book was totally unrelated to the problem and figured spending a few moments reading it before heading out the door would prove to be a much needed distraction.  I left the house believing that God was going to give me an answer… He did… and more.

The “more” I didn’t expect came after I was literally knocked to the ground.  I kept saying, “I don’t have time for this”.  By all human standards, I was right.  I won’t go into the details of all that we had on the calendar for yesterday… all of which I missed, but I truly believed the ship would sink without me.  Ha!  God knew better, of course.  I’m not saying my family had an easy time managing the schedule, but it was taken care of.  Which left me, alone with my thoughts and a very patient Father.

To be honest, I didn’t want to think about stuff anymore.  I wanted to turn on a movie or TV show and be distracted.  I wanted distraction from the pain, distraction from the strain my injury put on my family, distraction from what I was missing out on, distraction from the heaviness of my heart, distraction from normal life, distraction from responsibilities… you get the picture.  The last thing I was in the mood for was to come face to face with reality.  And so I turned on the television.  My teenage Son stayed with me while the Husband ran to and fro with another kid.  He tried to work on his lessons with Napoleon Dynamite playing in the room (seriously, I did not want to “think” about anything so I picked the most mundane, ridiculous and yet somewhat humorous movie we own.)  When I realized he couldn’t focus, I paused the movie.  The book from the day before came to mind and I remembered that I had placed it in my backpack that morning in the hopes of reading it during our lunch break.  I asked him to retrieve it for me and I began to read where I left off.

I figured that eventually he would need to go to the computer to work and that one of my other kids, who were finished with their lessons for the day, would be sent in to “watch me”.  My Husband gave them strict instructions before he left that I was not to be left alone.  I planned to return to my movie when the “shift change” happened.  God had another plan.  The computer which houses all of our movies, recorded television, netflix…etc decided to suddenly start making a fantastically annoying noise (one of the fans).  My eyes and ears were so sensitive yesterday.  The machine was shut down immediately along with my plans of theatrical escape.  And so, I returned to the book.

I read until my aching, swollen eyes couldn’t take it anymore and I fell asleep.  When I woke up, I read some more.  The Husband came home for a few minutes in there before heading out again for more running to and fro with other kids.  He fixed the computer but by this point, I didn’t want to be distracted anymore.  I wanted to feel the full measure of what God was trying to get across to me through that book.  I’ve gotten most of the way through it and while the things that need addressing are many, one common thread jumps out.

At some point I really hope I adopt the belief system that this is a journey and not a destination.  I’ve approached my food/weight issues (as well as other issues) with a destination in mind, which doesn’t work for very long.  The problem being, that once the perceived destination is reached, I stop working and stop relying on the One who got me there.  The “destination” vanishes like a vapor, a mirage.  I awake in a stupor with a sugar hangover and extra pounds.  I vow to do better, which works for a time, and then the cycle starts all over again.

I have much more I want to write on this topic but my brain needs a rest…  The Husband is filling in for me again today, so I need to be sure I make physical recovery a priority too.